Jokes & Funny Pics 7

More Jokes Here Bout Men, Women & Sex.  Some Are Funnier Than Others, Some Are Useful Tips. lol Enjoy.


Male Bashing Jokes For The Ladies

1.  Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
  To knock the penises off the smart ones.

2.  What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
  The Man.

3.  Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
  When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

4.  What do you call a handcuffed man?
  Trustworthy.

5.  What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
  Men always miss them.

6.  Why are men like commercials?
  You can't believe a word they say.

7.  Why are men like popcorn?
  They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

8.  Why are men like blenders?
  You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

9.  Why do so many women fake orgasms?
  Because so many men fake foreplay.

10.  Why are women so bad at mathematics?
  Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

11.  What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
  Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

12.  What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
  Sex.

13.  What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
  When the power goes off.

14.  What do men and women have in common?
  They both distrust men.

15.  How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
  Guilt gifts are nicer.

16.  What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
  His wife is good at picking out clothes.

17.  How is a man like the weather?
  Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

18.  What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
  One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable, while the other is just having a baby.

19.  What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
  The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

20.  Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.  What do men dream of?
  Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

21.  What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
  Slow.

22.  What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
  They're married.

23.  What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
  An insurance company.

24.  Why don't men often show their true feelings?
  Because they don't have any.

25.  Why do men have a hold in their penis?
  So oxygen can get to their brains.

26.  What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
  A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make it's testicles.

27.  What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
  Castrated.

28.  What's the difference bwtween government bonds and men?
  Bonds mature.

29.  What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
  E.T. phoned home.

30.  Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
  So men can remember them.

 

More Man Laws Cont.

31.  Every man should watch Sports Center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

32.  Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or child in violence.  Spanking a woman's ass or pulling of hair is permitted if done on request.  Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes.

33.  If a woman is present whether with family or friend, no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it's a special holiday such as: Mother's Day, birthday's, St. Patrick's day, or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured.  Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

34.  No man shall ever watch a soap opera...EVER!  If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to manbitch and the questioning of the liking of the opposite gendered relationships.

35.  Women can't drive.

36.  In the court of Man Law, the statement "I was drunk" has the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

37.  If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment, he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the tilte "manbitch" from his peers and clleagues.  Forgiveness is pending the severity of the borken law, or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly and what is not.

38.  Any man that is old enough and is not in the military should at least support the troops, even if you don't agree with the war, they are your country men fighting to protect you, and you should show them respect.

39.  No more crushing of empty beer cans on your forehead.  Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.

40.  If you take beer to a party, the tuck rule is in play when leaving.  You may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

41.  Do not have a conversation at the urinals.

42.  A man will not live in his parents' house after the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.

43.  All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this," and he has the right to leave the room.

44.  Sex is more important than talking.

45.  No man shall use lip balm, under any circumstances.

46.  Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice of cooking.

47.  No man shall ever own a dog smaller than a house cat.

48.  Men will invite other men to Man Law.

49.  No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it's not their brand."

50.  No man shall ever be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place.  If the person passes outside of the house, then they are fair game, shoes or not.

51.  It is acceptable for a man to publicly scratch and/or situate himself in the region of the gonads any time, anywhere.

52.  The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as it's counterpart, cold pizza.

53.  If you spill a man's beer, you must buy the next round or refill the cup.

54.  Nursing a beer is unacceptable, the bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it.  If you can't drink it in said time, don't open it or your man status will be up for review.

55.  Always accept beer from a stranger if factory seal is in place.

56.  It is never a man's responsibility to take out the trash while drinking.  Beer cans may be stacked or crushed while bottles may be thrown into a neighbors lawn.

57.  A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer.  Beer is beer.

58.  It is acceptable for a man to break a man law if no other option is humanly possible in the pursuit of the opposite sex.  His actions will be given leeway.

59.  The bachelor party is exclusively male, except for the entertainment.

60.  No many may ever sell a beer to a friend, it's understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later.  Under no circumstances may the replacement beer be of lesser quality.

 

 

Woman 1:  I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2:  Yes.

Woman 1:  Was it good?

Woman 2:  No, it was a disaster...My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 5 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes.  How was yours?

Woman 1:  Oh, it was amazing!  My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner.  After dinner we walked for an hour.  When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.  We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour.  It was like a fairytale!

*At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.*

Husband 1:  You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2:  Great.  I came home, dinner was on the table, and I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep.  It was great!  What about you?

Husband 1:  It was horrible.  I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill;  so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab.  We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home, remember there was no electricity, so I had to light fucking candles all over the house!  I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour.  After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

 

What Not To Do On A Date

1.  Don't say something geeky like, "Did you know that a segmented worms phylum is anmelida..."

2.  Don't say something like, "You have a boogy in your wittle nose snookums."

3.  No one word answers, try to keep a conversation!

4.  Don't talk about you and your emotional feelings.

5.  Don't EVER bring up your ex.

6.  Nothing creepy. i.e. Rubbing hands together while trying to tell them that you love the shape of pears.

7.  Don't say something weird like, "I can see through your shirt."

8.  Don't revolve around your phone the whole time.

9.  Don't turn the conversation into something awkward.

10.  Don't keep staring at something like a girls boobs the whole time.


What To Do On A Date

1.  Offer her your jacket and cuddle with her.

2.  Joke around, no rude or sexist jokes.

3.  Smile and a keep a conversation.

4.  Talk about something they actually care about.

5.  Get to know each other, don't try to have sex right away.  Depends on what date your on though.

6.  Don't tell the person that they're wrong, just agree with them.

7.  Do something nice and outrageous, act like Bruno Mars.

8.  No Cheesy Pick Up Lines!!!

9.  Convince them that there is no one else in the world but you and them.  Be romantic.

10.  Use breath mints or gum.


How Not To Impress Your Date

1.  While you are walking, grab a small puppy and start nibbling on it.

2.  While you guys are sitting at a restaurant have a tantrum and pretend you're a baby.

3.  Randomly twitch and say, "It's okay.  The police will never find your body."

4.  Ask to see her phone so you can call your mom and then lock it so she can't get in.

5.  Lead her to an abandoned warehouse and yell out, "I brought the sacrifice!"

6.  After you kiss her, tell her that your mother kisses way better.

7.  After you go to the bathroom, ask her if she can wipe your butt for you.

8.  Buy her a diamond ring and propose to her and when she's done smiling and cheering say, "Just kidding."

9.  When she smiles and says, "I love you."  Tell her that you're fond of her.

10.  When you're at the theatres, laugh evily when a torture seen comes on.

11.  After you kiss her, tell her she should check for mono.

12.  After she breaks up with you for doing all of this stuff, give her a pair of shoes that you pooped in.  When she puts her feet in them, push her over and yell, "Jenga!"

Girl: Hey, come here I want to talk to you.

Guy: Sweeeettttt!

*Girl slaps him in the face*

Guy: Ow!  What the heck was that for?

Girl: That's for calling me a slut!  *Girl runs off*

Other Girl: Hey sexy come here.

Guy: Heck Yeaaahhhh!

Girl: *kicks him in the nuts*  That's for telling everyone I'm fat!  *Girl runs off*

Yet Another Girl: Hey sweetie, you look like you've been having a rough day.  Come sit by me.

Guy: Effing Awesoooommmmeeee!

Girl: *Elbows him in the eye*  That will teach you to call me an ignorant bitch!

*Guy runs off crying into a restaurant*

Friend: Hey dude, how was your day?

Guy: Well, pretty bad actually.  In the beginning of the school day I lost my phone.  Then the 3 hottest girls in school talked to me, but attacked me and accused me of doing mean things to them.

Friend: Sorry dude...but my day was awesome!  I found some guy's phone on the ground and texted the 3 hottest girls in school about things they're really insecure about.

 

 

The Top 13 Additional Warnings The FDA Is Considering For Beer & Alcohol Beverages:

13.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering whe you are not.

12.  Warning: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

6.  Warning: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.

4.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

1.  Warning: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

 

 

Interesting Sex Facts About Men

1.  A man can ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.

2.  Men are 6 times more likely than women to peruse sexually explicit material on the internet.

3.  The smallest erect penis on record was just 1cm long.

4.  3 out of a thousand men (0.3%) are well endowed enough to fellate (blow) themselves to orgasm.

5.  According to recent surveys, the man is the most likely partner to be tied up during sex.

6.  Among primates, man has the largest and thickest penis.

7.  Studies have shown that men become sexually aroused nearly every time they dream.

8.  Studies show that, for some unknown reason, the higher the level of education, the more men tend to have wet dreams.

9.  The male fetus is capable of attaining an erection during the last trimester.

10.  At age 70, 73% of men are still potent.

11.  A man's testicles increase in size by 50% when he is aroused.

12.  The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men.  The opposite is true for lefties.

13.  56% of men have had sex at work.

14.  Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200.

15.  Average number he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000.

16.  Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches;  Average length when erect: 5.1 inches

17.  Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60% (the other 39% lied)

18.  Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%.

19.  Amount of time needed for a man to regain an erection: from 2 minutes to 2 weeks.

20.  Average number of erections per day for a man: 11.

21.  Average number of erections during the night: 9.

22.  Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, & pumpkin pie.

 

Weird Sex Laws in the United States

1.  Sorority houses are illegal in Massachusetts because of an old law that considers a house a brothel if five or more unrelated women live in it.

2.  It is illegal for a woman to ask a man out on a date in Dyersburg, TN. (a wonder anyone goes out at all)

3.  An unmarried man and woman can't stay in a hotel together in North Carolina.

4.  It's a felony for a man to marry a woman whose virginity he's taken in Oklahoma. -Punishable with up to 5 years in prison.

5.  In Indiana, it's considered indecent-and illegal-to have a visible erection in public.

6.  In Connecticut, it's illegal to have sex within one mile of a church.

7.  It is illegal to serenade your girlfriend in Kalamazoo, MI.

8.  Oral sex is illegal in 18 states, including Kansas & Utah.

9.  It is illegal in 18 states for a man to have an erection that shows through his pants.

10.  It is illegal in Willowdale, Oregon, for men to talk dirty to their wives during intercourse.

11.  Sexual intercourse between unmarried couples is illegal in the state of Georgia.

12.  In Connorsville, Wisconsin, it is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun while his female partner is having an orgasm.

13.  In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

14.  Having sex with a porcupine is illegal in Florida.

15.  In Utah, it is illegal to marry your first cousin before the age of 65.

16.  In Washington State, it is illegal to have sex with a virgin under any circumstances, including the wedding night!  However, sex with animals is perfectly legal for men in Washington State, as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds.

17.  In Bakersfield, CA, you must use a condom if you are having sex with Satan.

18.  In Virginia, it is illegal to have sex with the lights on.

19.  In Clinton, OK, it is illegal to masturbate while watching 2 people have sex in a car.

20.  In Minnesota, it is illegal to have sex with a live fish. (dead fish are okay though)

21.  Engaging in any sexual position other than missionary is illegal in Washington, DC.

 

A woman is frying eggs in the kitchen.  The woman's husband comes in and gets right behind her.

He starts yelling at her, "Flip Them, Flip Them!  What are you doing?  Faster, Faster!  Use the salt!  Use the salt!  THE SALT!  USE THE DAMN SALT!  Now use the pepper.  THE PEPPER!  FOR GODS SAKE THEY"RE GOING TO BURN, FLIP THEM!  NOT THAT FAST!  NOT THAT SLOW!  Get it right this time.  You get it wrong everytime.  Turn the heat down.  The heat!  THE HEAT!  TURN THE DAMN STOVE DOWN!  Why do you always forget to turn the stove down?  Why is that?  Explain!  CAREFUL!  STOP, YOU'RE GOING TO BURN THEM!"

The woman says, "Jesus, what's wrong with you?  I know how to fry eggs!"

The man doesn't miss a beat with his reply.  "I wanted to show you what it's like while I'm driving."

Some More Sex Facts

1.  22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens.  In Switzerland & Japan, only 2% did so. (I guess they don't know the beauty of sex, eh)

2.  Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world.  It is 10 times more effective than valium!

3.  Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.

4.  A man's beard grows faster when he anticipates sex.  (Darn, no wonder I have to shave twice per day)

5.  "Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.

6.  "Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.  (I guess that's why they have sex changes)

7.  The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."  (I think I'll be moving to Greece soon)

8.  Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England. But, only in tropical fish stores.  (But of course)

9.  In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.  (I will stay out of Hong Kong)

10.  An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.  (Scrap the Greece trip)

11.  In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than buy a condom!

12.  Sex burns 360 calories per hour. (Any takers)

13.  Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

14.  The average person spends 2 weeks of it's life kissing.

15.  The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.  (Oh, for the good old DAYS)

16.  Men on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.

17.  The greastest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children.  (Do the math)

18.  The world's youngest parents were 8 & 9 and lived in China in 1910.

19.  Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  (I bet I can beat that-any woman wanna try)

20.  The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.  (Interesting, wonder for men which head though)

21.  Each day, there are over 120 million sexual intercourses taking place all over the world.

22.  Snakes have two sex organs.  (Umm, I wonder if they can have sex with themselves and also get themselves pregnant)

23.  A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

24.  Donald Duck comics were once banned from Finland because Donald doesn't wear pants.

25.  85% of men who die of heart attacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.  (Luckily, I am NOT a cheater)

 

Geography of a Woman

Between 18 & 22, a woman is like Africa...half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 23 & 30, a woman is like America...well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.
Between 31 & 45, a woman is like India...very hot, relaxed & convinced of her own beauty.
Between 46 & 55, a woman is like France...gently aging, but sensual, with an appreciation for the finer things.
Between 56 & 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia...lost the war, haunted by past mistakes, and in need of massive reconstruction.
From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan...everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Geography of a Man

Between 15 & 80, a man is like Pakistan...ruled by a dick!!!

I remember in elementary school we used to take a 5-min break, line up, and go down to the 'lavatories,' and drinking fountains so the teacher wouldn't have interruptions during class.  Of course, the toilets would all be in use right away.  So, some of the boys got in the habit of walking up to a kid who was using a urinal and aiming right under that boy's legs.  (These were the old full-length urinals)  And obviously, the boy at the urinal couldn't turn around and defend his right to not have someone else's pee stream between his legs, because he'd get pissed on if he did.  Of course, there would also be boys taking a piss in both stalls, and one of them might be apt to take aim under the stall at the foot of the other.  Then in a blur, you'd see them both running out the door.  The kid leaving the trail of wet footprints would try to pummel the other kid before the teacher saw.  This is a true story.  And if you've ever wondered why men don't go to the bathroom in groups, now you know.