Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 6


<SFXdude19> Don't you hate it when you shit on the floor, and you can hear it fall, but you don't have no idea where it actually landed, and spend 5 minutes looking for it...

<Me>  What??

<SFXdude19> Oh Shit...
<SFXdude19>  Don't you hate when you DROP shit...

Final Exam for Graduation:

Question: Fill in the blank.  If a girl faints, we must first check her PU_S_?

Answer:  Only a few intelligent students wrote PULSE!

Had to break something to my girl the other day.  I told her the condom broke...

She looked terrified....But, you should have seen her face when I told her she's gonna have a brother!!
Ever Notice the Spongebob characters represent the 7 deadly sins...

Sloth- Patrick
Wrath- Squidward
Greed- Mr Krabs
Gluttony- Gary
Pride- Sandy Cheeks
Envy- Plankton
Lust- Spongebob

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up 2 prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy.  His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "One, Two, Three...Uuuuhhh!" all night long.

In the morning, the 2nd dwarf asks the 1st, "How did it go?"

The 1st whispered back, "It was so embarrassing.  I just couldn't get a hard on."

The 2nd dwarf shook his head.  "You think that was embarrassing?!!," he asked.  "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"

S.O.B.E.R.= Son of a bitch, Everything's Real

Teacher says to a student, "Please tell me the name of 3 Kings who brought happiness and peace to the world."

The student answers after a few seconds, "Smo-king...Fuc-king...Drin-king."
Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, DD, E, F, & H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

(A) Almost boobs
(B) Barely There
(C) Can't Complain
(DD) Double Damn
(E) Enormous
(F) Fake
(H) Help me, I've fallen and can't get back up

Golf Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't:

1.  Nuts my shaft is bent.
2.  After 18 holes I can barely walk.
3.  You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4.  Look at the size of his putter.
5.  Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
6.  Mind if I join your threesome.
7.  Stand with your back turned and drop it.
8.  My hands are soo sweaty I can't get a good grip.
9.  Hold up, I need to wash my balls first.

For Sale By Owners:

Complete set of encyclopedias.  No longer needed.  Just got married...Bitch seems to know everything!!

Earlier today, I was sitting watching my dog chase his own tail for about 15 min., and I thought to myself: "Holy shit this dumb animal is so easily amused."

It was only then I realized I'd been intently watching a dog run in circle for 15 min.

5 Things my Mom Has Taught Me

1.  My mother taught me about religion: "You better pray that comes out the carpet..."
2.  My mother taught me about time travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'm gonna knock you into next week."
3.  My mother taught me logic: "because I said so, that's why..."
4.  She taught me about hypocrisy: "I've told you a million times, stop exaggerating!"
5.  She taught me the circle of life: "I brought you into this world and I can take you out..."


This is a story about 4 people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.  Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Somebody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
So, I finally got around to seeing the new Karate Kid, and was really impressed and pleased to find out that it was the story all about how Jaden Smith's life got flipped, turned upside down.
You see, he was chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, shooting some b-ball outside of his school, when a couple of guys (who were up to no good) started making trouble in his neighborhood.
He got in one little fight and his mom got scared!  And said, "You're going to learn kung-fu from the maintenance man downstairs."

Dirty Pick-up Lines

Literally they're gross.

1.  Did you fart, 'cause you blew me away.

2.  Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3.  My love for you is like diarrhea...I can't hold it in.

4.  Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign/check you out.

5.  Is there a mirror in your pants?  Because I can see myself in them.

6.  Are you a gardener, 'cause I want to put your tulips and my tulips together.

7.  You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles.

8.  I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a banana cream.

9.  If I was a squirrel and you were a tree, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

10.  Hey, do you live on a chicken farm?  'Cause you're really good at raising cocks.

Best Pick-Up Lines

1.  You must be Google because you've got everything I'm searching for.

2.  You must be Cingular, 'cause you're raising my bar.

3.  Do you work at subway?  'Cause you just gave me a foot long.

4.  What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?  My zipper.

5.  Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

6.  I may not be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true.

7.  Are you a magnet 'cause I'm attracted to you.

8.  I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.

9.  If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Female comebacks to male pickup lines:

Male: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I stopped going there.

Male: Your place or mine?

Female:  Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Male:  How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Female:  Unfertilized.

Male:  If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put 'u' and 'I' together.

Female:  If I could, I'd put 'f' and 'u' together.  Or  I like it the way it is already...with 'n' and 'o' together.

Male:  Is this seat taken?

Female:  No but neither will this one if you sit there.

Male:  I would go to the end of the world for you.

Female:  But would you stay there.

Male:  Your body is like a temple.

Female:  Sorry no services today.

Male:  What's your sign?

Female:  Do not enter.

Male:  If I saw you naked I would die happy.

Female:  If I saw you naked I would die laughing.

Male:  Suck my dick.

Female:  Sorry, I choke on small bones.  Or  Sorry, my mom told me not to put tiny objects in my mouth.   Or  I don't eat baby food.

Male:  I'd really like to get in your pants.

Female:  No thanks, I already have one asshole in there.

Male:  Are you feet tired?

Female:  Yeah.  I've been trying to get away from your ugly ass all day.

Male:  Hey baby, what you doin' Friday night?

Female:  My boyfriend.
A teacher says: "Make a sentence starting with the letter 'I.'"

A kid says, "I is..."

The teacher cuts the kid off: "No, always start with I am."

So the kid says, "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."

I told my mom that whenever I go into the bathroom, I check behind the shower curtain for a psycho murderer.

She replied, "What happens the day that there actually is one there?"

And that is why I now carry a knife into the bathroom.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks him, "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you an example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother, "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"

The mother replies, "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said, 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Ok, now go ask your older sister if she'd have sex with the principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"

The sister replies, "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Ok son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Things You Should Probably Never Do

1.  Never scream, "We're all gonna DIE!!!" when taking off in an airplane. (everyone freaks out and you may even be tackled)

2.  Never walk past your parents bedroom on Valentine's Day night, their anniversary night, or any other important night.  (You'll be scarred for life)

3.  Never dish out a full force fart when you have explosive diarrhea.  (You'll shit yourself)

4.  Never join the military just because you think you're good at Call of Duty.  (You'll die)

5.  Never ask your foreign language teacher how to say, "I want to have hardcore, anal sex with you," in whatever language it is.  (I don't see what's wrong with this one, but my German teacher was really angry)

6.  Never try to impress your history teacher by saying, "My great great grandfather killed Hitler."  (You'll sound like a complete dumbass)

7.  Never try to pet a piranha.  (You'll miss wacking off)

8.  Never, I fucking mean this, never watch 2 girls 1 cup, 2 kids 1 sandbox, pain olympics, or pictures of blue waffle.  (This will seriously fuck you up)

9.  If you go to a bachelor party, NEVER start wacking off if they play porn.  (It gets real awkward real fast)

10.  Never sleep without a nightlight.  (Whatever is in your closet will fucking kill your ass if you don't have one)

11.  Never go to see Justin Bieber's movie.  (You'll turn gay)

12.  Never ride your bike to Taco Bell.  (It will turn into a race home, and not a ride home.  In other words, you'll shit yourself)

13.  Never try to live with monkeys.  (Turns out all the male monkeys slap each other in the genitals because they like to have sex with any gender)

14.  Never try to have a staring contest with the sun.  (For some reason, you will go blind)
After reading the the sentence, you are now aware that the the human brain does not inform you that the the word "the" has been repeated twice every time.
If World War Two had been an online Real Time Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fuckin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fuckin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshole! WE HAD A FuCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur fucked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuclear secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes
T0J0: holy ****holy****holy****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o shit!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 5

Training courses for men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct:



She is not easy - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.






She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.


She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

How To Speak About Men And Still Be Politically Correct:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is overly CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE



He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty, and shabby-looking, bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble," asked the man.

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive," said the bum.

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course," said the man.

"Are you Nuts!!!  I haven't played golf in 20 years!!," replied the bum.

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.  Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?  I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's ok.  I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

A little boy goes up to his father and asks him, "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you an example.  Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother, "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"

The mother replies, "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said, 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Ok, now go ask your older sister if she'd have sex with the principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"

The sister replies, "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Ok son, here's the deal:  Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Sad But True Facts

Women love to talk on the phone.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, shw will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do Not want an honest answer to the question, "How do I look?'
PMS also stands for:  Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it does), Preposterous Mood Swings, and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken.'
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 lbs to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 lbs to gain.
If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china.'
All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up.  Thus, it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them into More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up.  They seem to prefer to take a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chew men out because they 'left the seat up,' instead of taking 2 seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting.  This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy, despite claims to the contrary.  You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter

Your Ad Here
Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

More Man Laws

1.  Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2.  It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:  a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.  b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.  c) After wrecking your boss's car.  d) When she is using her teeth.

3.  Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4.  Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5.  If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6.  Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.  However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7.  No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.  In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is optional.  At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8.  On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.

9.  When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10.  You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.  If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulate entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11.  It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 

12.  Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13.  Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14.  Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.  Ever!!!  Issue closed!!!

15.  Women who claim they "love to watch sports," must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as other sports watchers.

16.  A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17.  Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18.  If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19.  Never join your girlfriend, or wife, in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20.  Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:  a) Yeah, Ba-by, Push it!  b) C'mon, give me one more!  Harder!  c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

21.  Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.  For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

22.  Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.  Keep a stopwatch by the phone.  Hang up if necessary.

23.  The morning after you and a girl, who was formerly "just a friend," have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

24.  It is acceptable for you to drive her car.  It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

25.  Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 

26.  The girl who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox, or some equivalent system.  End of story.

27.  There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating, or Men's Gymnastics.  Ever.

28.  We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?  In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

Guts:  is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls:  is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" 

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 4

More Differences Between Men And Women Jokes

To Make A Woman Happy A Man Only Needs To Be:

1.  A friend                            22.  Sympathetic
2.  A companion                      23.  Athletic
3.  A lover                             24.  Warm
4.  A brother                         25.  Attentive
5.  A father                           26.  Gallant
6.  A master                          27.  Intelligent
7.  A chef                             28.  Funny
8.  An electrician                   29.  Creative
9.  A carpenter                     30.  Tender
10.  A plumber                      31.  Strong
11.  A mechanic                    32.  Understanding
12.  A decorator                   33.  Tolerant
13.  A stylist                        34.  Prudent
14.  A gynaecologist             35.  Ambitious
15.  A psychologist               36.  Capable
16.  A pest exterminator        37.  Courageous
17.  A psychiatrist                38.  Determined
18.  A healer                        39.  True
19.  A good listener               40.  Dependable
20.  An organiser                  41.  Passionate
21.  A good father                42.  Very clean

Without Forgetting To:

43.  Be Honest                                46.  Not stress her out
44.  Give Her Compliments Regularly    47.  Be very rich
45.  Love Shopping                          48.  Not look at other girls

And At The Same Time, You Must Also:

49.  Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
50.  Give her lots of time, especially timer for herself
51.  Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

It Is Very Important:

52. Never to forget: *Birthdays *Anniversaries *Arrangements she makes


1.  Give him sex or a blowjob
2.  Make him something to eat
3.  Leave him in peace

A Girls First Time

As you lie back, your muscles tighten.  You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.  He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.  He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.  He probes deeply and you shiver.  Your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.  He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him...he's dont this many times before.  His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give more room for an easy entrance.  you begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.  As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.  He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.  Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.  He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.  After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.  He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn, yet most rewarding experience.  You smile and thank your dentist.  After all, it was your first time having a tooth pulled.  What did you think I was talking about???

Man Laws

1.  No wasted beer in the name of humor.

2.  It has been made official that under no circumstances should a male pay for birth control.

3.  If your best friend is dumped by a girl, it is a 6 month waiting period til she can be touched.  If he breaks up with her, it is a 6 day waiting period.

4.  If two or more males arrive at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the repsonsibility of the other males to find other ways home (the exception to this is if the driver is hooking up with his girlfriend, which voids this man law)

5.  Short shorts have been banned.  Unless participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. 

6.  Every man shall allow more than one empty urinal separation in a bathroom with 3 or more urinals.  (Void if there are dividers)

7.  If a girl and a guy aren't OFFICIALLY dating, it can't be considered cheating.  However, if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in, then he is either drunk or a dumbass, giving the original girl the right to either laugh or be mad at you.

8.  No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler.

9.  When bringing condoms to a party, it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.

10.  No heavy fornication in a friend's bed, or just wash the sheets.

11.  No man shall use a rolling backpack, if you can't carry the bag, then you're not a man.

12.  When a man is borrowing a buddies tools or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticible wear, then he is required to do one of the following:  a. If the item is under $50, the borrower is required to replace it.  b. If the item is over $50, the borrower is required to give the man a case of beer.

13.  When you're friend picks up a hot girl that has an ugly friend, it is only right that you operate as a wingman doing whatever is required to help your buddy have some time alone with this hot girl, as men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repayed.

14.  When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view.  Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there.  The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun.  However, if a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front, the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation, he may even deny rides to all other passengers.

15.  When toasting with beers, you clank with the bottom.

16.  The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past, no words need be said (an upward nod for friends, a downward nod for fellow men)

17.  If a man is on vacation in another country or state that does not border his own, it is not considered cheating if he has sex with a girl other than his girlfriend, although he should be aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she ever found out.

18.  A man should not masturbate more than 3 times a day to insure being ready for any known or unknown late night action. (The exception to this rule is if he is in a bet to set a record)

19.  A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing unless they are the loser of such a bet.

20.  No man in any circumstance, unless mocking the violator of this law, shall pop his collar.

21.  A man should never be denied the right to adjust, scratch, or put his hands down his pants under any circumstance.

22.  Being gay is not allowed...ever, no exceptions.  All gay people lose the title of "man," and should never be referred to, in any context, as a man.

23.  All men must eat meat, a shitload of meat, if not borderline carnivore.  For no reason should a man ever be a vegitarian or vegan.  Also, no man shall consume food with the terms "diet," "fat free," or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight," or dieting.

24.  Every man is required to learn a form of poker before he dies.

25.  If a man ever does something wrong, a simple "oops," "my bad," or any other variation of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say I'm sorry.

26.  No man should ever hook up with his firend's girl, no matter how hot she is.  This is in effect while they are dating or together.  If they are separated, refer to law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation.

27.  Under no circumstances should any man cockblock another man's attempt at getting laid.  Let's just leave that for the bitches fat friend.  Please note, cockblocking will result in a suspension of your man status and it's privileges, and it will result in the title "man bitch."

Women- A Chemical Analysis

Element:  Women

Symbol:  Wo

Discoverer:  Adam

Atomic Mass:  Accepted at 53.6 kg, but known to vary between 40 & 200 kg.

Occurences:  Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1.  Surface usually covered in painted film.

2.  Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.

3.  Melts if given special treatment.

4.  Bitter if incorrectly used.

5.  Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.

6.  Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical Properties:

1.  Has a great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.

2.  Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3.  May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.

4.  Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly when satuated in alcohol.

5.  Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1.  Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2.  Can be a great aid to relaxtion.

3.  Very effective cleaning agent.


1.  Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.

2.  Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.


1.  Highly dangerous expect in experienced hands.

2.  Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.