Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 6


<SFXdude19> Don't you hate it when you shit on the floor, and you can hear it fall, but you don't have no idea where it actually landed, and spend 5 minutes looking for it...

<Me>  What??

<SFXdude19> Oh Shit...
<SFXdude19>  Don't you hate when you DROP shit...

Final Exam for Graduation:

Question: Fill in the blank.  If a girl faints, we must first check her PU_S_?

Answer:  Only a few intelligent students wrote PULSE!

Had to break something to my girl the other day.  I told her the condom broke...

She looked terrified....But, you should have seen her face when I told her she's gonna have a brother!!
Ever Notice the Spongebob characters represent the 7 deadly sins...

Sloth- Patrick
Wrath- Squidward
Greed- Mr Krabs
Gluttony- Gary
Pride- Sandy Cheeks
Envy- Plankton
Lust- Spongebob

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up 2 prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy.  His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "One, Two, Three...Uuuuhhh!" all night long.

In the morning, the 2nd dwarf asks the 1st, "How did it go?"

The 1st whispered back, "It was so embarrassing.  I just couldn't get a hard on."

The 2nd dwarf shook his head.  "You think that was embarrassing?!!," he asked.  "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"

S.O.B.E.R.= Son of a bitch, Everything's Real

Teacher says to a student, "Please tell me the name of 3 Kings who brought happiness and peace to the world."

The student answers after a few seconds, "Smo-king...Fuc-king...Drin-king."
Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, DD, E, F, & H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

(A) Almost boobs
(B) Barely There
(C) Can't Complain
(DD) Double Damn
(E) Enormous
(F) Fake
(H) Help me, I've fallen and can't get back up

Golf Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't:

1.  Nuts my shaft is bent.
2.  After 18 holes I can barely walk.
3.  You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4.  Look at the size of his putter.
5.  Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
6.  Mind if I join your threesome.
7.  Stand with your back turned and drop it.
8.  My hands are soo sweaty I can't get a good grip.
9.  Hold up, I need to wash my balls first.

For Sale By Owners:

Complete set of encyclopedias.  No longer needed.  Just got married...Bitch seems to know everything!!

Earlier today, I was sitting watching my dog chase his own tail for about 15 min., and I thought to myself: "Holy shit this dumb animal is so easily amused."

It was only then I realized I'd been intently watching a dog run in circle for 15 min.

5 Things my Mom Has Taught Me

1.  My mother taught me about religion: "You better pray that comes out the carpet..."
2.  My mother taught me about time travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'm gonna knock you into next week."
3.  My mother taught me logic: "because I said so, that's why..."
4.  She taught me about hypocrisy: "I've told you a million times, stop exaggerating!"
5.  She taught me the circle of life: "I brought you into this world and I can take you out..."


This is a story about 4 people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.  Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Somebody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
So, I finally got around to seeing the new Karate Kid, and was really impressed and pleased to find out that it was the story all about how Jaden Smith's life got flipped, turned upside down.
You see, he was chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, shooting some b-ball outside of his school, when a couple of guys (who were up to no good) started making trouble in his neighborhood.
He got in one little fight and his mom got scared!  And said, "You're going to learn kung-fu from the maintenance man downstairs."

Dirty Pick-up Lines

Literally they're gross.

1.  Did you fart, 'cause you blew me away.

2.  Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3.  My love for you is like diarrhea...I can't hold it in.

4.  Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign/check you out.

5.  Is there a mirror in your pants?  Because I can see myself in them.

6.  Are you a gardener, 'cause I want to put your tulips and my tulips together.

7.  You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles.

8.  I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a banana cream.

9.  If I was a squirrel and you were a tree, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

10.  Hey, do you live on a chicken farm?  'Cause you're really good at raising cocks.

Best Pick-Up Lines

1.  You must be Google because you've got everything I'm searching for.

2.  You must be Cingular, 'cause you're raising my bar.

3.  Do you work at subway?  'Cause you just gave me a foot long.

4.  What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?  My zipper.

5.  Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

6.  I may not be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true.

7.  Are you a magnet 'cause I'm attracted to you.

8.  I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.

9.  If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Female comebacks to male pickup lines:

Male: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I stopped going there.

Male: Your place or mine?

Female:  Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Male:  How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Female:  Unfertilized.

Male:  If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put 'u' and 'I' together.

Female:  If I could, I'd put 'f' and 'u' together.  Or  I like it the way it is already...with 'n' and 'o' together.

Male:  Is this seat taken?

Female:  No but neither will this one if you sit there.

Male:  I would go to the end of the world for you.

Female:  But would you stay there.

Male:  Your body is like a temple.

Female:  Sorry no services today.

Male:  What's your sign?

Female:  Do not enter.

Male:  If I saw you naked I would die happy.

Female:  If I saw you naked I would die laughing.

Male:  Suck my dick.

Female:  Sorry, I choke on small bones.  Or  Sorry, my mom told me not to put tiny objects in my mouth.   Or  I don't eat baby food.

Male:  I'd really like to get in your pants.

Female:  No thanks, I already have one asshole in there.

Male:  Are you feet tired?

Female:  Yeah.  I've been trying to get away from your ugly ass all day.

Male:  Hey baby, what you doin' Friday night?

Female:  My boyfriend.
A teacher says: "Make a sentence starting with the letter 'I.'"

A kid says, "I is..."

The teacher cuts the kid off: "No, always start with I am."

So the kid says, "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."

I told my mom that whenever I go into the bathroom, I check behind the shower curtain for a psycho murderer.

She replied, "What happens the day that there actually is one there?"

And that is why I now carry a knife into the bathroom.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks him, "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you an example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother, "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"

The mother replies, "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said, 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Ok, now go ask your older sister if she'd have sex with the principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"

The sister replies, "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Ok son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Things You Should Probably Never Do

1.  Never scream, "We're all gonna DIE!!!" when taking off in an airplane. (everyone freaks out and you may even be tackled)

2.  Never walk past your parents bedroom on Valentine's Day night, their anniversary night, or any other important night.  (You'll be scarred for life)

3.  Never dish out a full force fart when you have explosive diarrhea.  (You'll shit yourself)

4.  Never join the military just because you think you're good at Call of Duty.  (You'll die)

5.  Never ask your foreign language teacher how to say, "I want to have hardcore, anal sex with you," in whatever language it is.  (I don't see what's wrong with this one, but my German teacher was really angry)

6.  Never try to impress your history teacher by saying, "My great great grandfather killed Hitler."  (You'll sound like a complete dumbass)

7.  Never try to pet a piranha.  (You'll miss wacking off)

8.  Never, I fucking mean this, never watch 2 girls 1 cup, 2 kids 1 sandbox, pain olympics, or pictures of blue waffle.  (This will seriously fuck you up)

9.  If you go to a bachelor party, NEVER start wacking off if they play porn.  (It gets real awkward real fast)

10.  Never sleep without a nightlight.  (Whatever is in your closet will fucking kill your ass if you don't have one)

11.  Never go to see Justin Bieber's movie.  (You'll turn gay)

12.  Never ride your bike to Taco Bell.  (It will turn into a race home, and not a ride home.  In other words, you'll shit yourself)

13.  Never try to live with monkeys.  (Turns out all the male monkeys slap each other in the genitals because they like to have sex with any gender)

14.  Never try to have a staring contest with the sun.  (For some reason, you will go blind)
After reading the the sentence, you are now aware that the the human brain does not inform you that the the word "the" has been repeated twice every time.
If World War Two had been an online Real Time Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fuckin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fuckin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshole! WE HAD A FuCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur fucked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuclear secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes
T0J0: holy ****holy****holy****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o shit!
*paTTon has left the game.*


  1. I have to ask how Spongebob is Lust... o.o

    Some favorites of mine:
    -The three kings
    -The dwarfs
    -Poledance girl

    Didn't care for the S.O.B.E.R. joke. More like an "Eh..."

  2. The Spongebob lust thing has to do with his lust for work. He has to be there all the time, on time, and never wants to leave. And when he is away, he thinks about work. At least that is how it was explained. It says on Wikipedia that Lust means that you always like to be excited, so Spongebob was the best to fit this category. Also, just a side note: Gary & Patrick can be switched. But, I put Patrick as Sloth cuz he doesn't do anything but lay around all day. Even won an award for doing nothing.

  3. lol i like that vacuum one, cause i know a guy named henry that will snort anything.

  4. I have to agree with tal zahn on how is spongebob is lust but Mr Krabs being greed is right on lol

  5. LOL Great stuff. Got me smilin' :)

  6. Saved some of these :D