Thursday, January 27, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 3

The Difference Between Men and Women

     Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

     And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

     And then, there is silence in the car.

     To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

     And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

     And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going?  Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

     And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

     And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

     And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

     And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

     And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumballs.

     And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

     And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

     "Fred," Martha says aloud.

     "What?" says Fred, startled.

     "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."

     She breaks down, sobbing.

     "What?" says Fred.

     "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

     "There's no horse?" says Fred.

     "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

     "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

     "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

     There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.

     "Yes," he says.

     Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.

     "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

     "What way?" says Fred.

     "That way about time," says Martha.

     "Oh," says Fred. "Yes."

     Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

     "Thank you, Fred," she says.

     "Thank you," says Fred.

     Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

     The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

     They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

     Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

     And, that's the difference between men and women.

Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?  Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old  granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his  granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad
cold and really didn't feel  like being up at all.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that  she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
Grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with  grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa,' the girl replied, "And do you know  what? ....We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

Man Explains Men To Women

This one is for those of you women who have long searched to understand the intricate workings of the opposite sex.  I hope this explanation helps to clarify some "grey areas."

1)  The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2)  Never ask me to purchase feminine products.  Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3)  When watching TV, hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen.  Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials.  Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4)  When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me to change the channel back because you think the commercials are over.  I always know when the timing is right.  Also, when we are channel surfing, do not ask me to go back.  There was a good reason why I skipped it.

5)  If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer.  In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

6)  If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something, it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7)  If you don't like the way I am driving, close your eyes.  And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise.  I haven't hit anything yet and if I do, it will be your fault.

8)  I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

9)  Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed.  And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is.  After all, I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

10)  Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not.  I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for yo to get dressed while watching TV.

11)  If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished, then you leave the seat up when you are finished.  It's only fair.  And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl.  What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

12)  I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

13)  Yelling at me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me.  I am not ignoring you.
Who Says You Can't Be the Captain of Your Own Bathroom
If Men Truly Ran The World

1.  Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2.  Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3.  Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4.  On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.  Mother's Day too.

5.  St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.  But it would be celebrated every month.

6.  Garbage would take itself out.

7.  Regis & Kathy Lee/Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8.  The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football" from a different camera angle.

9.  Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

10.  Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11.  Two words..."Ally McNaked."

12.  When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.  As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"  You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."  Cop: "Nice one, that's $10.00 off."

13.  People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14.  Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15.  Every man would get four real Get Out Of Jail Free cards per year.

16.  Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17.  The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

18.  It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19.  Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"

20.  When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

21.  Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

22.  The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23.  "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24.  At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

25.  Hallmark would make, "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

The "Man Quiz"

1.  In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: a) lovemaking  b) screwing  c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2.  You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship  b) your blood-test results  c) 5 tequila slammers

3.  You time your orgasm so that: a) your partner climaxes first  b) you both climax simultaneously  c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4.  Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) healthy, creative love-play  b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to  c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5.  Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) the best part of the experience  b) the second best part of the experience  c) $100 extra

6.  Your girlfriend says she's gained 5 pounds in the last month.  You tell her that it is: a) No concern of yours  b) not a problem, she can join a gym  c) a conservative estimate

7.  You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) a myth  b) an oxymoron  c) a moron

8.  Foreplay is to sex as: a) appetizer is to entree  b) primer is to paint  c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9.  Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) I hope we can still be friends.  b) I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.             c) Welcome to Dumpsville:  Population: You.

10.  A woman who is uncomfortable watching you "play with yourself:" a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy  b) is uptight and a waste of time  c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating the results:  If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you are really a man.  If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.  If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You Da Man!"
 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Funny Pics & Couple Funny Short Vids

 
 Super Cop From Movie Kopps Love this scene
video 
  
Terry Crews Old Spice Commercials
video 



  I Just Had Sex Video- Lonely Island ft. Akon
video

Friday, January 14, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 2


Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing in the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'Gilligan's Island', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Understanding a Woman

We need REALLY MEANS: I want

You want REALLY MEANS: You need

It's your decision REALLY MEANS: The correct decision should be obvious by now.

We need to talk REALLY MEANS: I need to complain

Do what you want REALLY MEANS: You'll pay for this later.

You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS: I don't want you to.

I'm not upset REALLY MEANS: Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS: Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS: I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS: I'm Embarrassed

This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS: I want a new house.

You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS: Just agree with me.

Yes REALLY MEANS: No

No REALLY MEANS: No

Maybe REALLY MEANS: No

I heard a noise REALLY MEANS: I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? REALLY MEANS: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS: I did something you're not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS: Be patient I'll be a while.

Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS: Tell me I'm beautiful.

I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS: You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS: It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS: Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS: Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook or credit card?
Rules For Women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Because I'm a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
20 Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate:

1.  Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2.  Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3.  Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4.  Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5.  Drop a marble and say, "Oh Shit!  My glass eye!"

6.  Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7.  Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.  Sigh relaxingly.

8.  Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9.  Say, "Humus.  Reminds me of humus."

10.  Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa!  Easy Boy!"

11.  Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."

12.  Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor.  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13.  Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!  Don't fall asleep on me."

14.  Fill a balloon with creamed corn.  Rush to the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.  Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15.  Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16.  Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now what am I gonna do?"

17.  Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18.  Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19.  Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20.  Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

My New Year's Resolutions & Tips For Your Own

  Well, glad everyone seemed to enjoy the funny resolutions.  As promised...here are the more serious ones, and the ones that can inspire some of you to try and keep. lol  Good luck with all of yours.  Wish you all the best.  I guess I'll start with my resolutions and then proceed from there.

My Resolutions:

1.  To try to better myself as a whole...or in one specific aspect of my life. 

2.  To spend more quality time with my kids. 

3.  Strive to learn something new every single day. 

4.  Earn more money...and manage my money better. 

5.  Go out more...and meet more people. 

6.  Write short term, and long term, goals and post them where I can read them everyday.

7.  Manage my bi-polar better, and not be as depressed and down this year.

8.  Manage my time better...and try and spend less time on the computer. lol

9.  Surround myself with more beautiful things; like art, music, movies, etc.

10.  Now that I'm over my ex-wife...try and date more. (Easier said then done)

11.  Live my life the way I want, and not how someone else expects me too.  (Fuck the Haters)

12.  Take time and enjoy life more.  Don't dwell on the negative.
For you out there who have trouble coming up with resolutions...or ones that you can stick too...here are some helpful tips:

*Do something you love to do, and that you do best, every single day.

*Do something just for you every single day.

*Strive to learn something new every single day.

*Practice professional courage by stepping out of your comfort zone.

*Listen more than you talk.

*Develop a method to track your life goals, your daily engagements, and your to do list.

*Try to continue to learn and grow.

*Take up a new hobby or activity this year.

*Take yourself a little less seriously.

*Fix what is broken and don't fix what ain't.

*Keep in the company of positive people.

Realistically, I know that the New Year will not be problem free, but I can control my attitude about whatever comes my way. Stay positive.
Here's what everyone should know to make their New Year's resolutions something other than another set of wishes and dreams that go nowhere, and that might remove incentives to ever try again:

1. Get a little bit happier first. It is now rock-solid science that being in your most positive frame of mind and functioning is the most powerful predictor of any type of success.

2. Learn how to put yourself in the most positive frame of mind at all times.

3. Don't set too many self-regulation (willpower) goals at once. If you pick just one willpower goal - like exercising in the morning - and focus for six to eight weeks on just that improvement, all other self-regulation behaviors will improve, too.

4. Prune dead wood in your social and professional life. If your network is full of people whose behavior and values are contrary to what you are striving to accomplish, you stand a strong chance of failing. Don't make it harder for yourself than you need it to be.

5. Fill your environment with positive "primes" (cues) that set you up for success. One unusual tip: change your computer passwords to reflect your goals, and consider getting a vanity license plate or an email address that does the same thing.

6. Do hard things. While you are doing hard things, take more risks. The happiest people among us have also been found to be risk-takers, who don't quit when the going gets hard.

7. For women only: Get some goals that are yours, and yours alone this year, and then carve out time to actually pursue them.

8. Have goals, if you don't already. The happiest people wake up every day to clear-cut goals, short-term and long-term, that involve building relationships with others, making a difference in the lives of others, and making the space you inhabit a bit kinder and brighter. What a great way to enter 2011!
And here are a few more tips you may be able to use:
 
Try something different
Experiment and challenge your personal aesthetic and style sensibilities
Inspire yourself
Visually stimulate yourself as much as possible
Dress like you mean it...wear clothes that make you feel confident
Surround yourself with beautiful things
Make your creative environment your own
Create your reality...Don’t hold yourself back

Pick any of the following resolutions to dramatically enhance your life on many levels:

I will remember to be compassionate starting with myself - daily.

Remind myself I will never know all there is to know about anything, ever.

Be patient with myself to allow life lessons to fully integrate into my life before moving onto the next lesson.

I will practice feeling emotions more than thinking thoughts.

I will remind myself to forgive myself for what ever I need to forgive myself for to release any need to feel guilt or shame so that I do not spread guilt or shame to anyone else.
And last, I got these off another site...don't remember which one now...but credit goes to them.

10. Getting in shape:  We can survive the Zombie/Robot Apocalypse if we drop some weight and improve our cardio.  Yeah, all us chubby nerds are gonna go to the gym 3 times a week, tone up, lose this weight, actually fit into a cos play costume that doesn’t include “The Fat” in front of the costume name. (You can call your weight loss challenge: The Crusade to see my penis without the use of mirrors.)

9. Improve that relationship status on Facebook: Talk to a girl.  A real flesh and blood girl, not that robot you’ve been working on in the basement, not that “lady” on the 900 number that keeps telling you to “spank it” between fits of hacking-smoking cough.  Try that cute girl at Starbucks, or that nice check out lady at the grocery.  Just be cool, not creepy.  If your not sure where the creepy line is, go practise in the mirror.

8. Save money:  If you haven’t heard yet, anyone under 30 had better take care of their own retirement fund because Social Security ain’t gonna make it that long.  you have to think  small, but consistent.  Build it up slowly over time and suddenly you have a bundle.  Wait and try to do it all in a couple of years and you’ll drive yourself crazy.

7. Drink Less:  Lots of us over indulge when we do indulge.  Most of the Internets greatest videos are about people that drank too much.  So think about changing quantity for quality.  Maybe you should think of it this way.  “I’m gonna drink less, but I’m gonna drink much better stuff when I do.”

6. Quit Smoking:  For me this falls under my lose weight resolution, in the smoked meats category that is Southern BBQ.  For those of you that smoke cigarettes, you have my support if you need it.  Quiting smoking is a tough one.  Get the help you need to make it happen, quitting will improve your health, and your pocket book.  There was a joke or two for this, then that 900 lady started hacking a lung again and mood changed.

5. Manage Stress:  Stop trying to manage your stress and start relieving it.  Don’t start masturbating in public and point to this article, but do something.  I’m not talking about origami or banzai tree pruning, take up fencing or stage craft sword fighting lessons.  Go to a skeet range or take archery classes.  If you gonna learn something to help relieve your stress, make it something that will help when the zombies or aliens come.

4. Eat better:  Everyone says eat more greens, the vegetables, not the Orion slave girl.  Why can’t some super scientist make a vegetable that tastes like hamburger?  Have you ever had one of those God awful veggie burgers that vegans try to slip by you?  Think of the money that could be made by some guy inventing the brussel sprout that tastes like Porter House.  Forget that damn rocket jet pack you scientists promised us 50 years ago, get on the meat flavored vegetables!

3. Spend more time with family and friends.  This doesn’t mean getting your mom and dad set up on Steam or an Xbox live account to play games.  Well, it doesn’t mean you can’t do that as well as visit, take trips, see a show or movie or just take them to lunch.  Get past the “Hi, how are you” talk and learn who they are.  You will be surprised what you find out.

2. Volunteer more.  This works better in groups.  Find a group that does charity work as well as enjoying a hobby or pastime.  The 501st is a great example of Cos players and Star Wars geeks that also do great community work with many children’s charities.  No reason why you can’t combine the two.

I guess one of my resolutions should be to learn to count because that’s only nine resolutions.  Screw it, you finish it in the comments below.  I have to figure out how to get out of those other nine resolution.



Monday, January 3, 2011

Funny New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year Everyone!  Hope you all had a great one.  Time to start this new year and get it poppin'.  Sorry I haven't posted...damn internet was turned off and just got it back on.  lol   So, hopefully I am back to posting and no more interruptions.  Figured I'd do some New Year's Resolutions on here.  These are all funny ones...and I will make my next blog more serious and inspiring resolutions.  I think I'll start with some Simpsons, Family Guy, and American Dad resolutions first.
Homer:  I resolve to lose 10 pounds, and then gain it back by Valentine's Day.

Marge:  I resolve to finally learn how to make pancakes that don't stick to the pan. Bart helped me come up with that one.

Krusty:  In 2007, I promise not to keep using the same old jokes I've been telling since 1961.

Chief Wiggum:  In the coming year, I resolve to learn how to work the safety on my gun.

Comic Book Guy:  In 2007, I resolve to boldly go where I have never gone before...out on a date with a woman.

Barney:  I resolve to quit drinking... coffee. It leaves less room for beer.

Ned Flanders:  I resolve to be pious and kind and gentle and - yippee, skippee - I already am! Happy 2007, everybody!

Homer Simpson:  In 2010, I will finally get around to voting for President.

Marge Simpson:  I’ll try to be more assertive if it’s okay with everyone else.

Bart Simpson:  I plan to raise a family of skunks in Principal Skinner’s car.

Lisa Simpson: I will make the world a colder, greener, jazzier place.

Grandpa Simpson: Let’s just make this the best 1933 we can.
Here are the Griffin Family’s New Year’s resolutions:

Peter Griffin:  To use my intestinal gas in more creative and constructive ways.

Lois Griffin:  To stop thinking about that yoga instructor at my gym.

Brian Griffin:  Cut down on consumption of my own crotch.

Stewie Griffin:  Spend more time admiring Abercrombie & Fitch window displays.

Meg Griffin:  Teach myself how to shave my legs.

Chris Griffin:  I know I’m young, but it’s never too early to start eating more fiber.

Well, perhaps its time to take a leaf out of their book and make some more practical resolutions and better still think of ways to stick to them.
And last, American Dad...

Stan Smith:  To try and understand one Maya Angelou poem.

Francine Smith:  To find out why jerk chicken is called jerk chicken. I hope it’s not why I think.

Hayley Smith:  To date a guy who has at least part ownership in a car.

Steve Smith:  I am hoping to reinstate Pluto as a planet with the ultimate goal of it getting me some action.

Roger Smith:  To buy a Labrador Retriever, raise it, love it and stand naked in front of it to gauge its reaction.

Klaus Smith:  I will touch Ricky Martin somewhere on his head or face.
Funny New Year Resolutions:

1.  Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

2.  I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

3.  I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

4.  I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

5.  I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

6.  I will try to figure out why I "really" need 9 e-mail addresses.

7.  I resolve to work with neglected children...my own.

8.  I will stop sending e-mail, Instant Messages, texts, and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

9.  I will read the manual....just as soon as I can find it.

10.  I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
11.  I will think of a password other than "password," and "hello."

12.  I will not tell the same story at every get together.

13.  I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine...if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!

14.  I will not hang around girls...they think you love them and that sucks.

15.  I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

16.  When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

17.  I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).

18.  I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.

19.  I will remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.

20.  I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
21.  I promise to clean my room once a week even though I haven't cleaned it more than once in the last year.

22.  Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

23.  Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.

24.  Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get them back in the next year!

25.  Drink more. Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.

26.  Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.

27.  Play more computer games. Scientists say they're good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.

28.  Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking - it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.

29.  I will spend less money on buying useless stuff like this new DVD Rewinder I had ordered for Christmas.

30.  I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.
31.  Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

32.  I will drive more carefully, people are starting to notice the dozens of dents in my car.

33.  I will treat my girlfriend better.  I won't make her carry all the groceries the next time we go to the market.

34.  I promise to be nice to my dog. I won't starve him to death more than 10 times....in a month.

35.  I will leave my brain at home while going to watch supposedly scary movies like Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 & 4!

36.  I resolve to hold my breath and pull in my paunch when I cross my young secretary.

37.  I will stop saying, "Ooh, that feels nice" whenever the security guys frisk me at airports.

38.  I resolve to stop poisoning my family with my cooking.

39.  Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.

40.  Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.
41.  Lose weight until Summer is over and then gain all of it back.

42.  Save money .... on hookers.

43.  Find my soul mate .... and five extra partners.

44.  I resolve not to call any phone number of any TV contest as they are always kept off the hook.

45.  I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case."

46.  Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.

47.  Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

48.  My New Year resolution is: 1024 by 968 pixels!

49.  Eat healthier by adding more lettuce on BLTs.

50.  Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.
51.  Procrastinate less by watching all my favorite shows on Tivo before work.

52.  Clean up the clutter IN MY BANK ACCOUNT by going to Vegas.

53.  Keep in touch with old schoolmates that have gained more weight then me.

I promise to stick to these resolutions for more than a week (even though I never do).

Here Are The Resolutions You Would Be Most Tempted to Keep...

    * Spend more time watching TV / movies.
    * Chat more over phone / Internet.
    * Read less.
    * I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
    * Stop exercising. Waste of time.
    * Procrastinate more.
    * Drink. Drink some more.
    * Start being superstitious.
    * Spend more less time at work.
    * Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
    * Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!
Last, here are some other peoples views on resolutions:

Spending more time with family:
Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother," or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece." -- Oscar Reagan


Starting that diet:
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you." -- Katina Fisher

Quitting smoking:
I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool."

As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I'll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?" -- Judi Moore

Eating healthier:
The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it."

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"  -- David Martino

Reducing your debt:
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.” -- R. Horn

Learning new things:
I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter. Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, "For the show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?"

Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, "What's the difference?" -- Kimmie Helk

Better teeth care:
Just because one owns a business doesn't mean it has to be all business. This sign in a dentist's office proves that point: "Be True to Your Teeth, or They Will Be False to You." -- James Wertz

Becoming more organized:
My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest." -- Mary I. Costain

Drinking less
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc." -- Christie Eckels