Friday, June 24, 2011

Funny Pics 2

So, today I am only posting some pics.  I am gonna be uploading some vids to my comp soon to post on here, but it takes a little while since it's on old VHS...haha.  Anyway, there are like 2 pics about the rapture.  A little late, but DILLIGAF. Enjoy.
All You J.B. Haters Gotta Love This One...
And For All You Who Wonder What She Actually Looks Like:

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 14

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.  Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."

He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150.  Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400.  Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

A police officer pulls a guy over and he says, "Is there a problem officer?"

"No, I am just pleased to award you this $5000 for driving safely.  What do you plan to do with the money," asks the officer.

"Well, I guess I'll go and buy that drivers license I need," replies the man.

Martha, sitting in the passenger seat says, "Oh, don't mind him he's a wise guy when he's drunk."

Ryan, sitting in the back adds, "I told you guys we wouldn't get away with a stolen car."

There is a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice says, "Are we over the border yet?"
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.  Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.  Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.  He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.  Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.  As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.  The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk."  The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.  The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.  That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.  The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk."  The man says, "Alright, alright, I'm dying to know.  If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"  The monk reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.  When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task.  Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.  He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task you demanded and have found what you had asked for.  There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.  We shall now show you the way to the sound."  The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound you seek is behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.  He asks, "May I have the key?"  The monk gives him the key, and he opens the door.  Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.  The man requests the key to the stone door.  The monk gives him the key, and he opens it, only to find another door made of ruby.  He demands another key from the monk, who provides it.  Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.  And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.  Finally the monk says, "This is the key to the last door."  The man is relieved to no end.  He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.  It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight...

But, I can't tell you because you're not a monk.
Little Old Lady with Two garbage bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no" , said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of tailgate fans come and pee through a hole in the fence and onto my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his "thingie" through the fence,
I grab it and say, '$20 or off it comes'…

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 13

Real Unlucky Stories

1.  Depressed since he couldn't find a job, 42-yr old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981.  His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor.  It went off and killed his wife.

2.  In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease.  As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up.  Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

3.  A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money.  The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.

4.  Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, climbed over a 9 foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.

5.  A fierce gust of wind blew 45-yr old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983.  He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore...where a tree blew over and killed him.

6.  Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when a truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge...killing him.

7.  Walter Hallas, a 26-yr old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw.  The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

8.  George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall.  After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files.  The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly.

9.  Two German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh.  Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace from opposite directions but both near the middle of the road.  At the moment of impact, their heads were both out of the windows where they smacked together.  Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries.  Their cars weren't even scratched.

10.  Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself.  When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted.  Hearing a disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place.  As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside.  This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack.  Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife were reconciled.

11.  A few years ago in California there was a raging brush fire.  Once the fire was extinguished, the firefighters began the process of clean-up.  In the middle of where the fire had been burning, they found a dead man wearing a scuba tank and wet suit.  At first the firefighters were baffled as to why a man would be out in the middle of the countryside wearing full scuba gear.  Upon further examination, it was determined that the man died from the impact with the ground and not the fire.  As best anyone can determine, this man was scuba diving off the coast of California and was accidently picked up by one of the firefighting aircraft when it was refilling its water tanks offshore.
I have this great new way of training.  I have become much stronger the last few months while doing this.  And now I'm going to tell you about it!  Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.  With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.  Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.  Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Professionals Quiz

1.  How do you put a giraffe into your refrigerator?

Answer:  Open the door, put the giraffe inside, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in a overly complicated way.

2.  How do you put an elephant into your refrigerator?

Wrong:  Open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.

Right:  Open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one, which is it?

Answer:  The elephant, because it is in your refrigerator.
This tests your memory.

Ok, even if you did not answer the first 3 questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4.  There is a river you must cross, but the river is home to many crocodiles, how do  you manage it?

Answer:  You swim across, because all of the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the pros they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several questions right.  Anderson Consulting says that this disproves the theory that most pros have the brains of a four year old...
Rhyme Competition
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line...but the least romantic second line.

1.  Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.  But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

2.  I thought that I could love no other, until, that is, I met your brother.

3.  Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.  But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

4.  Of loving beauty you float with grace, if only you could hide your face.

5.  Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;  This describes everything you are not.

6.  I want to feel your sweet embrace, but don't take that paper bag off of your face.

7.  I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8.  My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:  Marrying you screwed up my life.

9.  I see your face when I am dreaming.  That's why I always wake up screaming.

10.  My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell!"

11.  What inspired this amorous rhyme?  Two parts vodka, on part lime.

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.  The HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for: "Termination Without Cause."  (I think he/she has good case)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect.

"What sort of trouble?"

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

"Went away?"

They disappeared.

"Hmmm.  So what does your screen look like now?"



It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

How do I tell?

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

What's a sea-prompt?

"Never mind.  Can you move your cursor around the screen?"

There isn't any cursor:  I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

What's a monitor?

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

I don't know.

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.  Can you see that?"

Yes, I think so.

"Great.  Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

...Yes, it is.

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


"Well, there are.  I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

...Okay, here it is.

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

I can't reach it.

"Uh huh.  Well, can you see if it is?"


"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle- it's because it's dark.


Yes...the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

"Well, turn on the office light then."

I can't.

"No?  Why not?"

Because there's a power failure.

"A power... A power failure?  Aha, okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

"Good.  Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.  Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Really?  Is it that bad?

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Well, alright then, I suppose.  What do I tell them?

"Tell them, you're too stupid to own a computer."

Recipe:  How To Make Love


4 Laughing Eyes       4 Well-shaped Legs
4 Loving Arms         2 Firm Milk Containers
2 Nuts                     1 Firm Banana
1 soft, warm mixing bowl


1.  Look into laughing eyes.

2.  Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.

3.  Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.

4.  Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed.  For best results, continue to knead milk containers.

5.  As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight)

6.  The cake is done when the banana is soft.  If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5, or change mixing bowls.

Notes:  1.  If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.  2.  Do not lick mixing bowl after use.  3.  If cake rises, leave town.