1. It is possible to drive at top speed through any one of the busiest cities in the world without getting caught in traffic.
2. Asians ALWAYS know karate. ALWAYS.
3. You can go to a high-end restaurant without reservations and get the nicest seat in the house.
4. Nobody will care when you knock over their things while you are chasing the bad guys because they magically understand the whole situation.
5. If you get dumped or are feeling down, it will start raining. If you are inside, you will go outside to make sure you get rained upon.
6. Everyone has a cool phone with a retarded ringtone.
7. There are no hobos, litter, or stray animals in the city.
8. All Russians are evil masterminds with bombs.
9. You will only see fit, muscular people in designer sportswear at the gym.
10. Kids can understand what their dog is saying.
11. If you are a main character, you are immortal.
12. Even the busiest soccer mom has perfect hair, make-up, and outfit every day.
13. There is always more than enough time to talk between classes without being tardy.
14. Airplanes are comfortable and roomy.
15. Good guys have fast, explosive sportscars, but still have trouble catching up with the bad guys, who drive rusty old ones.
Horror Movie Tips
1. If it's raining outside and you hear knocking at your window, do not look out!
2. If your in your house alone and you hear laughing, don't move, don't run, don't scream & don't try to leave or the paranormal will get you!
3. If the killer is chasing you are your friend, then trip your buddy so you can get away.
4. If you start feelinig sleepy in a haunted house, or a villain's lair, use your last bit of freakin' energy and RUN!
5. When being chased by a killer NEVER, I repeat NEVER, run upstairs, or trip and fall.
6. If you hear something move loudly in your basement, don't take your dumbass down there to look.
7. If you see a chair rocking back and forth all by itself, run like hell!
8. Unless you're the main character who is to defeat the killer/survive, NEVER fight the killer under any circumstances. They will win!
9. If a doll winks, walks, talks or does anything humanly, throw that sumabitch in woodchipper and then burn it.
10. Never go playing in a cemetary for the hell of it at night with your friends. Esepecially one where people have been known to disappear.
11. If a little girl suddenly appears in your room and starts laughing, get the hell outta there!
12. If you see an empty, deserted hotel, what the hell makes you think the inside is SAFE? Keep your ass away from it.
13. NEVER decide to throw a party, or go to a party, or explore with your friends an abandoned, dark building that was closed down after some sort of massacre took place there. The end result will not be good.
14. If you do fall, don't crawl slowly and look back, just get your ass up and run like a gazelle from a lion.
15. If your reflection in the mirror moves when you don't, throw the heaviest thing u can at it. Then get the hell outta there.
16. Don't cover yourself with a blanket when in danger. The killer/monster will know your dumbass isn't a really a blanket.
17. If you and your friends decide to go camping in the woods, bring a gun, knife, any other weapon you can and some sort of first aid kit.
18. If you try to change the channel and/or turn off your t.v. and it doesn't work, and then you see a girl appear along with a well...RUN FOOL! Don't go examine it and get closer to it for fucks sakes.
19. Remeber F.E.A.R. if any of the above things begin to happen. Fuck Everything And Run.
A woman in a hot air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don't know where I am."
"You're at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minustes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be a Democrat," replied the woman.
"I am. How did you know," the man said.
The woman responded, "Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help."
The man looks to her and says, "You must be a Republican."
"Why, yes. How did you know," asks the woman.
The man replies, "You've risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn't keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's my fault."
1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of friggin' sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a friggin' people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. You! Off my planet!
12. You're a few fries short of a happy meal now, aren't you?
13. You're definitely not the brightest bulb in the bunch!
I did not kill my wife. I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had, was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide. My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime.
Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return to my house for which I yearn.
And to my family, whom I love. Hey, now I'm free...Give me back my glove!!
Bozeman , Montana , while waiting for their respective flights...
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East ...
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
'At one time here... my people were many...but sadly, now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'
The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . 'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.