Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 10

Hey All, sorry for the lack of posts.  My kids had Spring break, then a friend visited from out of town, and then my mom had surgery.   So, took me a while to get back on here.  Well, here are some jokes, hope you enjoy. *If any are a repost sorry.  I haven't checked.  Just let me know and I'll replace em...

These workmen are installing bollards to stop nurses from parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast .
They are cleaning up at the end of the day.

 How long do you think it will be before they realize that they can't go home?
This is a real photograph..!

What I Owe My Mother::What She Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.  I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

3. My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

4. My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."

5.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

6. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

7. My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that dinner is gone."

8. My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

9. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

10. My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.."

11. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."

12. My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home!"

13. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

14. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

15. My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.."

16. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

17. My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

18. My mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a field?"

19. My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

20. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
 
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
 
That's How The Fight Started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.

I said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point..
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.........
JOB RESUME
Dear So & So

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
...Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the whole army and totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake

Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

A MAN's answers to every question a WOMAN ever asks:

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning.
Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the griping and nagging we have to endure)?
Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing.
Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you?
Besides, women do it as well.  Women are just much better at not getting caught.  I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal.  Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference.
Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.  It's much like adjusting your bra: Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to.  It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it.  It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you?  Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different?  How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel?  Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.  Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please ... How many hours do you think there are in a day?  We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end?  We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our butts for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired.  In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey.  The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers etc.  The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient.  To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you.  Most men consider that a character fault.  It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special?  Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to ... well you know.  Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions.  If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we?  It doesn't really bother us that much.  Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting.  It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you.  Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection.  Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It's an evolutionary thing.  Men hunt.  Women gather.  We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back.  Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing?  Err ... buying?


Marriage(Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.  Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
____________________________________

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
___________________________________

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.  Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.  She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
_________________________________________

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.  He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his  wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
______________________________

Marriage (Part V)
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.  The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it  was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
___________________________

And Finally Here is Some Fun For You:

Shoot or Not That = The Question
Click what you want 2 do in the screen and then the option you selected will pop up in a new window with the selected ending....... well kinda

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 9

Alright, these are a bit long, but pretty funny.  Well, enjoy.
True Story Mate Match Game

Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this on the radio.  Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.  The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.  The game is called "Mate Match."  The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.  If the contestant answers "yes," he/she is then asked 3 random, yet highly personal questions.  They also ask for the partners name and number and call them and ask the same 3 questions.  If they both answer the questions correctly, they both win a prize.

A few months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter.  Here's how it all went down:

DJ: Hey!  This is Ed on FOX-FM.  Have you ever heard of "Mate Match?"

Contestant:  (laughing) Yes, I have.

DJ:  Great!  Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.  What is your name?

Contestant:  Brian.

DJ:  Brian, are you married or what?

Contestant:  (laughing nervously)  Yes, I am married.

DJ:  Thank you.  Now, what is your wife's name?  First only please.

Brian:  Sarah.

DJ:  Is Sarah at work, Brian?

Brian:  She is gonna kill me.

DJ:  Stay with me here, Brian!  Is she at work?

Brian:  (laughing) Yes, she's at work.

DJ:  Okay, first question:  When was the last time you had sex?

Brian:  About 8 o'clock this morning.

DJ:  Atta boy, Brian.

Brian:  (laughing sheepishly)  Well...

DJ:  Question #2:  How long did it last?

Brian:  About 10 minutes.

DJ:  Wow!  You really want that trip, huh?  On one would have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.

Brian:  Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ:  Okay, final question.  Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian:  (laughing hard)  I, ummm, I, well...

DJ:  This sounds good, Brian.  Where was it at?

Brian:  Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks.

DJ:  Uh huh...

Brian:  ...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.

DJ:  Atta boy, Brian.

Brian:  On the kitchen table.

DJ:  Not that great??  That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.  Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.  You listen to this.

(3 minutes of commercials)

DJ:  Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?  (touch tones...ringing...)

Clerk:  Kinkos.

DJ:  Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?

Clerk:  This is she.

DJ:  Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM.  We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple hours now.

Sarah:  (laughing)  A couple of hours?

DJ:  Well, a while now.  He is on the line with us.  Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.  Sooooo...do you know the rules of "Mate Match?"

Sarah:  No.

DJ:  Good!

Brian & Sarah:  (laughing)

Sarah:  Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian:  (laughing)  Just answer his questions honestly, okay?  Be completely honest.

DJ:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Sure.  Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.  If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah:  (laughing)  Yes.

DJ:  Alright, when did you last have sex, Sarah?

Sarah:  Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ:  What time?

Sarah:  Around 8 this morning.

DJ:  Very good.  Next question.  How long did it last?

Sarah:  12, 15 minutes maybe.

DJ:  Hmmmmm.  That's close enough.  I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood.  We've got one last question, Sarah.  You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast.  Are you ready?

Sarah:  (laughing)  Yes.

DJ:  Where did you have it?

Sarah:  OH MY GOD, BRIAN!!! You didn't tell them that did you?

Brian:  Just tell him, honey.

DJ:  What is bothering you so much, Sarah?

Sarah:  Well...

DJ:  Come on Sarah...where did you have it?

Sarah:  Up the ass...

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."  And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

Wedding

Here is another true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.  This was a huge wedding with about 300 quests.  After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.  He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming, and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.  To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.  So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party.  He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride.  He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Screw You!"  He turned to the bride and said, "Screw you," then turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."  He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.  His revenge?  Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all their friends, and their entire families.

This guy has the balls the size of church bells.  This is his world;  we just live in it.


Irony:  Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.


1.  Denial
2.  Anger
3.  Bargaining
4.  Depression
5.  Acceptance.....the 5 stages of buying gas.



Beat up a guy in a wheelchair today.  He said, "I'll get you when I go to heaven & get my legs back!"

I laughed.  Then said, "Good luck.  It's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!"
Man Of The House

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.  You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.  After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.  Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.  You will wash my back and towel dry me and bring me my robe.  Then, you will massage my feet and hands.  Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."
Some Condom Slogans

1.  Cover your stump before you hump.
2.  You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.
3.  Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4.  Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
5.  If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
6.  If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
7.  She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
8.  While undressing Venus, dress your penis.
9.  When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.
10.  Don't be a fool, cover your tool.
11.  Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker.
12.  The right selection, is to protect your erection.
13.  Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil.
14.  If you really love her, wear a cover.
15.  Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
16.  Sex is cleaner, with a packaged wiener.
17.  If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
18.  No glove, no love.
19.  If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye.
20.  Even if she's eager, protect her beaver.
21.  Cape your throbber, before you bob her.
22.  She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle.
23.  Shelter your jerky, then nab that turkey.
24.  Cage your snake, then shake and bake.
25.  Cover your peter, it will be much neater.
26.  Wrap that tool to catch the drool.
27.  Glove your pecker before you check her.
28.  Wrap your bate before you mate.
29.  Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard.
30.  Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle.
31.  Hide ole harry then take her cherry.
32.  Wrap that rod, then please her bod.
33.  Sheath that knife if she ain't your wife.
34.  Cover your dick, then give her that prick.
Science Fair Project Idea

In your project, urge people to sign a petition demanding strict control, or total elimination, of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."  And for plenty of good reasons since:
1.  It can cause excessive seating and vomiting
2.  It is a major component in acid rain
3.  It can cause sever burns in its gaseous state
4.  Accidental inhalation can kill you
5.  It contributes to erosion
6.  It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7.  It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

Ask 50 people if they would support a ban on the chemical.  Let's see how many people know that the chemical is really just water.

Title:  How Gullible Are We?
*This one is an older one for me, not sure about any of you, but it's still great.*

The Following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.  The answer by one student was so "profound"  that the professor shared it with his colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

*Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it's compressed), or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities:

1.  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.  If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true.  Thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven.  Thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last nigh, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
 

Friday, April 1, 2011

Funny Pics

Here are a bunch of different funny facial expressions, 2 vids, and a couple pics.  Short one.  But I have a joke post with pics coming in a day or 2.  So, hopefully u will enjoy these. lol 




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