Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Funny Pics & Some Funny Vids 3

Well, thanx to those who responded.  No one seems to know why I can't upload from my comp, but still working on it.  Guess in the meantime I'll upload some youtube vids, and if all else fails I'll start uploading to youtube myself.  Enjoy the pics and vids.


Friday, May 27, 2011

Question For Fellow Bloggers and Followers

I am having trouble uploading videos from my computer.  I can upload Youtube videos fine, and I've uploaded vids from my comp before fine.  But, now when I upload it goes through the upload process, and gives me a green check mark, but it doesn't take me out of the upload window or post to my blog.  Anyone else experiencing this, or experienced this before and have a solution.  Thank you.  Here's some funny pics for now.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 12

Wake up in the morning feeling like Charlie Sheen
Gonna diss my boss, get my show cut, I’m gonna hit the scene
Call TMZ, every media outlet out there
I’m sorry I can’t deny I’m a Bitchin’ millionaire

You all know I love my hoes hoes
And my suitcases full of blows blows
But you still watch my shows shows
CBS And Warners can try to cut me
They don’t wanna mess with Charlie
Things are about to get crazy
Hey Chuck, you can’t stop
My Winning, I’m on top
Alright, let’s fight
With my fire-breathing sound-bite
Hey Chuck, you still suck
And my winning doesn’t stop, no
(oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh) 2x

You can’t shut me up
You can’t shut me down
I’m an F-18
Always firing

You can’t lock me up
I’m all cured now
All I’m addicted to
Now, is winning

You can’t shut me up
You can’t shut me down
I’m an F-18
Always firing

You can’t lock me up
I’m all cured now
All I’m addicted to
Now, is winning

I’m sorry my life is so damn bitchin’

Hey Chuck, you can’t stop
My Winning, I’m on top
Alright, let’s fight
With my fire-breathing sound-bite
Hey Chuck, you still suck
And my winning doesn’t stop, no
(oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh) 2x
 How To Install A Home Security Syestem

1.  Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2.  Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.

3.  Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4.  Leave a note on your door that reads:  "Bubba,...Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.  Be back in an hour.  Don't mess with the pit bulls;  they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad.  I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.  Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.  Better wait outside.  Be right back.  Cooter" 
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the manager liked the kid so he gave him a job.  "You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.  After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,  "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The manager replies, "Just one?  Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.  How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The manager repeats the amount, "$101,237.64?  What the hell did you sell?"

The kid replies, "First I sold him a small fish hook.  Then I sold him a medium fish hook.  Then I sold him a larger fish hook.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down by the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat.  So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.  He then said he didn't think his Honda Civic would be able to pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The manager said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
10 Things Movies Teach You

1.  It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
2.  A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
3.  If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
4.  Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications systems of any invading alien civilization.
5.  It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6.  No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
7.  When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
8.  You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
9.  Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
10.  Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Bunch of Short/One Liner Type Jokes

Actual quote from CNN...The new female pilot for American Airlines had to beat off 30 male competitors to get the job...

"Looking at all these stars makes me feel soo small," I thought earlier...while watching porn.

I thought I'd try modern art because it seems pretty easy.  So, I found a used tampon and wiped it all over my desk at work...I called it the Periodic Table.

Bumper Sticker:  Insured by the Mafia, you hit me, we hit you.

I jerked off upside down today...I don't know what came over me.

Just got back from London.  Some Japanese tourists asked me to take their photo.  When I said "wave" they ran like fuck.

Tell all your female friends I can get them 100 tampons for 1 dollar.
...No strings attached
...for a limited period only
...a bloody good deal!!!

So, I been talking to this 13 year old girl online.  She's funny, flirty, and sexy.  She just told me she's an undercover cop.  I mean, how cool is that for someone her age...

The internet:  where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

Some douchebag came up to in a nightclub and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."
I replied, "Hmmm...let's see...20x0= 0."
That shut the fucker up.

I seen a nun in a wheelchair today and all I could think is....Virgin Mobile.

Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've done in front of them...
I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks.  Good way to hide your identity bro.  It's not like people will notice that you're a giant fucking turtle.

Studies say 90% of women don't like men in pink T-shirts.
IRONICALLY, 90% of men in pink T-shirts don't like women.

Duct Tape:  Turning 'No! No! No!' into 'mmm, mmm, mmm,' since 1942.
Whenever I see a mattress strapped on top of a vehicle I always think of a prostitute doing a house call...Ho on the go!
Some Lazy Rules

1.  If you spill something on the floor, you wipe it up with your sock...that you are wearing.
2.  Somehow getting in your car and driving to McDonald's sounds easier than using a stove.
3.  If it's not on the 1st search page on Google, it doesn't exist.
4.  If someone in another room calls your name, sit in silence and hope they don't call again.
5.  Why make your bed when you're just gonna get back in it again.
6.  As soon as I get under the covers, all of today's responsibilities become tomorrow's problem.
7.  If you've only worn that shirt once, it's still clean.
8.  If you drop an ice cube, just kick it under the fridge.
9.  If the food hasn't been made already, I go hungry for the night.
10.  Carry all of the grocery bags at once, so you don't have to make another trip.
11.  If I can pick it up with my toes, why bend over.
12.  If you want a soda, wait til someone goes in the kitchen.
13.  If it doesn't smell spoiled, or have anything growing on it, then it's edible.
14.  If the 'due date' isn't for 2 weeks, then I don't have to think about it until the night before.
15.  If it requires you to look for it, you don't want it anymore.
16.  If duct tape can't fix it, it's unrepairable.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 11

Why I Am Now Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up in the morning.  I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!,' and possibly have a small present for me.  As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' 

I thought...Well, that's marriage for you but the kids...they will remember.  My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.  So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!'  It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.  I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me...'  I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.  Let's go!'

We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we would normally go.  He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight to the office, do we?'  I responded, 'I guess not.  What do you have in mind?'  He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.  I'll be right back.'  'Ok,' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes he came out...carrying a huge cake...followed by my husband, kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there...  On the couch...  Naked.
One afternoon a doctor was giving a lecture on healthy eating habits to some old people in a nursing home.  'Most of the material we put into our stomach is terrible,' he explained.  'Candy is awful for you, soda corrodes your stomach lining, chinese food is loaded with MSG, and fast food is high in fat, sugar and cholesterol.  However, there is one type of food that is particularly dangerous, and any one of us has eating it one time or another.  Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75 yr old man raises his hand and says, 'A wedding cake!'

Duct Tape.

Turning 'No!  No!  No!' into 'mmm, mmm, mmm' since 1942.

1 sperm has 37.5 Mb of DNA information in it.  This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587 Gb in 3 seconds...

And you thought 4G was fast.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees a light at the end of a tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train operator sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
 Type of Guys In the Men's Room:

Absent Minded- opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

Chidish- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

Clever- no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

Conceited- holds his two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.

Crosseyed- looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

Desperate- waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

Disgruntled- stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

Drunk- holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

Efficient- waits until he has to crap, then does both.

Fat- backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

Excitable- shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

Frivolous- plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

Indifferent- all urinals being used, pisses in sink.

Little- stands on box, falls in, drowns.

Observer- pisses and observes all the different things happening in the men's bathroom.

Patient- stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

Radical- Ignores urinal.  Pisses on wall.

Sneak- farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

Sociable- joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

Timid- can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

Tough- bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. 

Worried- not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz.  So the agent says, 'Ok kid, show me what you do."

The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.

'Great kid!  Just great!,' says the agent.  'I can do things for ya!  I think I can get you a show on TV.' (This was the early sixties)  'By the way, what's your name?'

The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, 'Penis Van Lesbian.'

'Excuse me?' questions the agent.

'My name is Penis Van Lesbian,' again replies the young man. 

'Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.'

Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name.  So he leaves to find another agent.  A few months later he returns to the same agent. 

'Hey kid!  Good to see you again!' says the agent.  'Are you still looking for work?  Have ya changed your name?'

With his head hanging low, the young man replies, 'Yes.  Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian.  So I've changed it.'

'Great kid, great!  What's your new name?'

'Dick Van Dyke.'

Actual 911 Calls

Dispatcher:  9-1-1, What is your emergency?
Caller:  I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the Brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher:  Do you have an address?
Caller:  No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher:  9-1-1, what is your emergency?
Caller:  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher:  Excuse me?
Caller:  I made a ham and cheese sanchwich and left it on the kitchen table.  And when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher:  Was anything else taken?
Caller:  No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Disptacher:  9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?
Caller:  I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:  This is nine eleven.
Caller:  I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher:  Yes, ma'am.  Nine-one-one and nine eleven are the same thing.
Caller:  Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher:  9-1-1, what's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:  My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher:  Is this her first child?
Caller:  No, you idiot!  This is her husband!

Dispatcher:  9-1-1.
Caller:  Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.  I'm all out of breath.  Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher:  Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:  A pay phone, North and Foster.
Dispatcher:  Sir, an ambulance is on the way.  Are you asthmatic?
Caller:  No.
Dispatcher:  What were you doing before you had trouble breathing?
Caller:  Running from the Police.

Universal Laws

1.  Law of Mechanics:  After your hands become covered with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.  Law of Gravity:  Any tool, nut, bolt, screw- when dropped- will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.  Law of Probability:  The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.  Law of Random Numbers:  If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.  Law of the Alibi:  If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6.  Law of Variation:  If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
Below is a video of Mickey Breakin'