Saturday, February 12, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 5

Training courses for men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a DOUBLE BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not easy - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
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How To Speak About Men And Still Be Politically Correct:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is overly CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty, and shabby-looking, bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble," asked the man.

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive," said the bum.

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course," said the man.

"Are you Nuts!!!  I haven't played golf in 20 years!!," replied the bum.

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.  Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?  I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's ok.  I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

A little boy goes up to his father and asks him, "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you an example.  Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother, "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"

The mother replies, "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said, 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Ok, now go ask your older sister if she'd have sex with the principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"

The sister replies, "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Ok son, here's the deal:  Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Sad But True Facts

Women love to talk on the phone.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, shw will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do Not want an honest answer to the question, "How do I look?'
PMS also stands for:  Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it does), Preposterous Mood Swings, and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken.'
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 lbs to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 lbs to gain.
If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china.'
All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up.  Thus, it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them into More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up.  They seem to prefer to take a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chew men out because they 'left the seat up,' instead of taking 2 seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting.  This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy, despite claims to the contrary.  You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter

Your Ad Here
Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

More Man Laws

1.  Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2.  It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:  a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.  b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.  c) After wrecking your boss's car.  d) When she is using her teeth.

3.  Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4.  Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5.  If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6.  Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.  However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7.  No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.  In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is optional.  At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8.  On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.

9.  When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10.  You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.  If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulate entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11.  It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 

12.  Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13.  Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14.  Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.  Ever!!!  Issue closed!!!

15.  Women who claim they "love to watch sports," must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as other sports watchers.

16.  A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17.  Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18.  If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19.  Never join your girlfriend, or wife, in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20.  Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:  a) Yeah, Ba-by, Push it!  b) C'mon, give me one more!  Harder!  c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

21.  Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.  For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

22.  Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.  Keep a stopwatch by the phone.  Hang up if necessary.

23.  The morning after you and a girl, who was formerly "just a friend," have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

24.  It is acceptable for you to drive her car.  It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

25.  Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 

26.  The girl who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox, or some equivalent system.  End of story.

27.  There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating, or Men's Gymnastics.  Ever.

28.  We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?  In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

Guts:  is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls:  is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" 

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

6 comments:

  1. saved the 'kiss my nose' pic. classic!

    ReplyDelete
  2. you have been reviewed my friend, 9kblogsreviewed!

    ReplyDelete
  3. lol, this is hilarious! Post more of this, please!

    ReplyDelete