Thursday, February 3, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 4

More Differences Between Men And Women Jokes

To Make A Woman Happy A Man Only Needs To Be:

1.  A friend                            22.  Sympathetic
2.  A companion                      23.  Athletic
3.  A lover                             24.  Warm
4.  A brother                         25.  Attentive
5.  A father                           26.  Gallant
6.  A master                          27.  Intelligent
7.  A chef                             28.  Funny
8.  An electrician                   29.  Creative
9.  A carpenter                     30.  Tender
10.  A plumber                      31.  Strong
11.  A mechanic                    32.  Understanding
12.  A decorator                   33.  Tolerant
13.  A stylist                        34.  Prudent
14.  A gynaecologist             35.  Ambitious
15.  A psychologist               36.  Capable
16.  A pest exterminator        37.  Courageous
17.  A psychiatrist                38.  Determined
18.  A healer                        39.  True
19.  A good listener               40.  Dependable
20.  An organiser                  41.  Passionate
21.  A good father                42.  Very clean

Without Forgetting To:

43.  Be Honest                                46.  Not stress her out
44.  Give Her Compliments Regularly    47.  Be very rich
45.  Love Shopping                          48.  Not look at other girls

And At The Same Time, You Must Also:

49.  Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
50.  Give her lots of time, especially timer for herself
51.  Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

It Is Very Important:

52. Never to forget: *Birthdays *Anniversaries *Arrangements she makes


1.  Give him sex or a blowjob
2.  Make him something to eat
3.  Leave him in peace

A Girls First Time

As you lie back, your muscles tighten.  You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.  He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.  He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.  He probes deeply and you shiver.  Your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.  He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him...he's dont this many times before.  His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give more room for an easy entrance.  you begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.  As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.  He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.  Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.  He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.  After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.  He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn, yet most rewarding experience.  You smile and thank your dentist.  After all, it was your first time having a tooth pulled.  What did you think I was talking about???

Man Laws

1.  No wasted beer in the name of humor.

2.  It has been made official that under no circumstances should a male pay for birth control.

3.  If your best friend is dumped by a girl, it is a 6 month waiting period til she can be touched.  If he breaks up with her, it is a 6 day waiting period.

4.  If two or more males arrive at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the repsonsibility of the other males to find other ways home (the exception to this is if the driver is hooking up with his girlfriend, which voids this man law)

5.  Short shorts have been banned.  Unless participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. 

6.  Every man shall allow more than one empty urinal separation in a bathroom with 3 or more urinals.  (Void if there are dividers)

7.  If a girl and a guy aren't OFFICIALLY dating, it can't be considered cheating.  However, if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in, then he is either drunk or a dumbass, giving the original girl the right to either laugh or be mad at you.

8.  No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler.

9.  When bringing condoms to a party, it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.

10.  No heavy fornication in a friend's bed, or just wash the sheets.

11.  No man shall use a rolling backpack, if you can't carry the bag, then you're not a man.

12.  When a man is borrowing a buddies tools or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticible wear, then he is required to do one of the following:  a. If the item is under $50, the borrower is required to replace it.  b. If the item is over $50, the borrower is required to give the man a case of beer.

13.  When you're friend picks up a hot girl that has an ugly friend, it is only right that you operate as a wingman doing whatever is required to help your buddy have some time alone with this hot girl, as men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repayed.

14.  When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view.  Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there.  The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun.  However, if a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front, the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation, he may even deny rides to all other passengers.

15.  When toasting with beers, you clank with the bottom.

16.  The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past, no words need be said (an upward nod for friends, a downward nod for fellow men)

17.  If a man is on vacation in another country or state that does not border his own, it is not considered cheating if he has sex with a girl other than his girlfriend, although he should be aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she ever found out.

18.  A man should not masturbate more than 3 times a day to insure being ready for any known or unknown late night action. (The exception to this rule is if he is in a bet to set a record)

19.  A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing unless they are the loser of such a bet.

20.  No man in any circumstance, unless mocking the violator of this law, shall pop his collar.

21.  A man should never be denied the right to adjust, scratch, or put his hands down his pants under any circumstance.

22.  Being gay is not allowed...ever, no exceptions.  All gay people lose the title of "man," and should never be referred to, in any context, as a man.

23.  All men must eat meat, a shitload of meat, if not borderline carnivore.  For no reason should a man ever be a vegitarian or vegan.  Also, no man shall consume food with the terms "diet," "fat free," or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight," or dieting.

24.  Every man is required to learn a form of poker before he dies.

25.  If a man ever does something wrong, a simple "oops," "my bad," or any other variation of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say I'm sorry.

26.  No man should ever hook up with his firend's girl, no matter how hot she is.  This is in effect while they are dating or together.  If they are separated, refer to law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation.

27.  Under no circumstances should any man cockblock another man's attempt at getting laid.  Let's just leave that for the bitches fat friend.  Please note, cockblocking will result in a suspension of your man status and it's privileges, and it will result in the title "man bitch."

Women- A Chemical Analysis

Element:  Women

Symbol:  Wo

Discoverer:  Adam

Atomic Mass:  Accepted at 53.6 kg, but known to vary between 40 & 200 kg.

Occurences:  Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1.  Surface usually covered in painted film.

2.  Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.

3.  Melts if given special treatment.

4.  Bitter if incorrectly used.

5.  Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.

6.  Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical Properties:

1.  Has a great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.

2.  Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3.  May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.

4.  Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly when satuated in alcohol.

5.  Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1.  Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2.  Can be a great aid to relaxtion.

3.  Very effective cleaning agent.


1.  Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.

2.  Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.


1.  Highly dangerous expect in experienced hands.

2.  Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.


  1. to a please a woman, you need all those traits, but you forgot one. you must also be musically talented. Women want a hot guy who cooks, cleans, fixes shit, plays music, and can make mad passionate love to her with a large penis.

  2. anything less than that, and she's really just settling for what she can get.

  3. Long and entertaining post, hehehe Al Bundy really is the man