Thursday, January 27, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 3

The Difference Between Men and Women

     Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

     And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

     And then, there is silence in the car.

     To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

     And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

     And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going?  Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

     And Fred is thinking: that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

     And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

     And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

     And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

     And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day

     And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

     And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

     "Fred," Martha says aloud.

     "What?" says Fred, startled.

     "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."

     She breaks down, sobbing.

     "What?" says Fred.

     "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

     "There's no horse?" says Fred.

     "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

     "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

     "It's just's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

     There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.

     "Yes," he says.

     Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.

     "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

     "What way?" says Fred.

     "That way about time," says Martha.

     "Oh," says Fred. "Yes."

     Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

     "Thank you, Fred," she says.

     "Thank you," says Fred.

     Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

     The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

     They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

     Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

     And, that's the difference between men and women.

Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?  Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old  granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his  granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad
cold and really didn't feel  like being up at all.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that  she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
Grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with  grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa,' the girl replied, "And do you know  what? ....We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

Man Explains Men To Women

This one is for those of you women who have long searched to understand the intricate workings of the opposite sex.  I hope this explanation helps to clarify some "grey areas."

1)  The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2)  Never ask me to purchase feminine products.  Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3)  When watching TV, hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen.  Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials.  Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4)  When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me to change the channel back because you think the commercials are over.  I always know when the timing is right.  Also, when we are channel surfing, do not ask me to go back.  There was a good reason why I skipped it.

5)  If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer.  In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

6)  If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something, it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7)  If you don't like the way I am driving, close your eyes.  And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise.  I haven't hit anything yet and if I do, it will be your fault.

8)  I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

9)  Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed.  And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is.  After all, I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

10)  Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not.  I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for yo to get dressed while watching TV.

11)  If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished, then you leave the seat up when you are finished.  It's only fair.  And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl.  What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

12)  I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

13)  Yelling at me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me.  I am not ignoring you.
Who Says You Can't Be the Captain of Your Own Bathroom
If Men Truly Ran The World

1.  Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2.  Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3.  Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4.  On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.  Mother's Day too.

5.  St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.  But it would be celebrated every month.

6.  Garbage would take itself out.

7.  Regis & Kathy Lee/Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8.  The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football" from a different camera angle.

9.  Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

10.  Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11.  Two words..."Ally McNaked."

12.  When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.  As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"  You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."  Cop: "Nice one, that's $10.00 off."

13.  People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14.  Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15.  Every man would get four real Get Out Of Jail Free cards per year.

16.  Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17.  The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

18.  It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19.  Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"

20.  When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

21.  Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

22.  The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23.  "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24.  At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

25.  Hallmark would make, "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

The "Man Quiz"

1.  In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: a) lovemaking  b) screwing  c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2.  You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship  b) your blood-test results  c) 5 tequila slammers

3.  You time your orgasm so that: a) your partner climaxes first  b) you both climax simultaneously  c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4.  Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) healthy, creative love-play  b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to  c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5.  Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) the best part of the experience  b) the second best part of the experience  c) $100 extra

6.  Your girlfriend says she's gained 5 pounds in the last month.  You tell her that it is: a) No concern of yours  b) not a problem, she can join a gym  c) a conservative estimate

7.  You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) a myth  b) an oxymoron  c) a moron

8.  Foreplay is to sex as: a) appetizer is to entree  b) primer is to paint  c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9.  Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) I hope we can still be friends.  b) I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.             c) Welcome to Dumpsville:  Population: You.

10.  A woman who is uncomfortable watching you "play with yourself:" a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy  b) is uptight and a waste of time  c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating the results:  If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you are really a man.  If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.  If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You Da Man!"


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  2. Hehehe, liked the first story where the guy kept thinking about the transmission :))