A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party, she brought him a cup of "tea," which was just water of course. After several cups of tea her mom comes home. The dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was the cutest thing. The mom waited and sure enough, here she comes down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach is the water in the toilet?"
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there sir, open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car!"
I came home early from work one night to find my wife and best friend sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"
My wife said, "Erm...We've been playing WII fit." She winked at my friend and said, "Dave did VERY well."
As I walked out the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dick head." But, I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!
Have you ever met someone whose gender you where unsure of? You try to be slick and ask about sports, so they tell you that in High School they played basketball and soccer. That doesn't help. And their name is always a name that is both a guy or girl name like: Taylor, Jaime, Rudy, Billy, etc. So another dead end. In a last ditch effort you ask to see pictures of them as a baby...They say sure and upon showing you their phone you see an adorable baby in burgundy and tan Osh Kosh'es. I give up.
Pizza Rolls Cooking Instructions:
1. Place 6-8 rolls onto a plate.
2. Fuck it, empty the entire bag.
3. Pick a number, set microwave to that many minutes. Cook rolls until completely exploded.
4. Bite in immediately, because FUCK waiting.
5. Hysterically claw molten pepperoni from lips and cheeks.
6. Wait patiently for rolls to cool off.
7. Fall asleep on couch.
Stole my friends phone the other day and switched his mom and girlfriend's numbers. I thought it was a great idea, especially when he sent a picture of his dick to his mom...
Changed my name in my dads phone to GOD. When he started cussing, I texted him saying, "I HEARD THAT!" The look on his face: Priceless.
Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he probably wasn't suppose to.
I've never had a problem with my daughter being a stripper...In fact, it saved me a fortune on my birthday.
Even if I lose a game to my kids, I can still beat them another way.
I have quite a varied sex life. Sometimes I use the other hand.
Skydiving: A great way to commit suicide with the option to change your mind.
I hate getting older. I wake up 3 or 4 times a night to take a piss...Sometimes I even get out of the bed.
A woman walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies: Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
Some Funny Hotlines Courtesy Of Humor Hotlines
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: 413-497-016
"Rick Roll" Hotline: 772-257-450
"Rebecca Roll" Hotline: 781-452-2079
Twilight Obsession Hotline: 973-409-3307
How To Keep An Idiot Entertained: 401-285-0696
The Official Breakup Hotline: 781-452-0659
Santa Hotline (Not For Kids)- 772-257-4661
Loved every single one of them. Especially the dictionary so true.
ReplyDeletehaha good collection, thought that the old women, was my own grandma :P!
ReplyDeletelove tahat old lady
ReplyDeleteI loved the "Its Pat" movie!
ReplyDeleteIs that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Its a banana!
I saved a lot more of these than I'm going to admit. :P
ReplyDelete