Jokes & Funny Pics 17

 Random One-Liners & Short Jokes

A vampire goes into a pub and orders boiling water.  Barman says, "Thought you only drink blood?"
Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

Went for some laser-eye surgery the other day.
Really mad when I found out I couldn't actually shoot lasers though.

There's no such thing as automatic doors.  Only polite ninjas.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes...That must be why bacon tastes sooo damn good.

Sent out a text today saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?"
12 people called me...I need smarter friends.

My girlfriend asked me to show her what "Hardcore- Search and Destroy" was.  I turned off all the lights, stripped naked and gave her 30 seconds to hide.

Spiderman- Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

Never play UNO with a Mexican.  For some reason all the green cards go missing.

Best Fucking Roommate Ever Ad

Konichiwa Bitches.  Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived?  If so, look no further.  You fucking found him.  I'm a 25 year old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City.  That's right!  What you know about experience?  I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22.  After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience.  Why?  So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.  Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live.  Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.  A bit about me:  I'm respectful, quiet, clean, and I won't bother any of your shit.  If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck, I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine."  I turn off lights.  I clean toilets.  Fuck it, I'll even cook for you.  That's right!   My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine.  I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smoother that shit in bearnaise.  EVERY.  GODDAMN.  NIGHT.  Don't eat meat?  That's fucking FANTASTIC!  I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.  I also read a lot.  I fucking LOVE books.  Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne.  All that shit.  I read Tuesday's With Morrie the other day.  It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself.  Fucking smart.  Do you like movies?  I fucking love them.  We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games, or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all.  It's completely UP TO YOU!  Sometimes I play guitar.  Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd?  LIVE?  WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT?  Of course you are!  I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor.  AWWWWWWW SHIT YEA!  A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama.  Are you racist?"  And, the answer to that question is, no.  I'm not racist or judgmental at all.  I love everyone.  I'm a secular humanist.  I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE.  That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually.  You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference.  WTF!!!?  Pretty fucking cool right?  I own almost nothing!  I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffel bags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip.  Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival.  Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city.  See?!  I'm the most considerate person you've ever met.  I'm offering to buy you shit already!  Am I interested in your pad?  You can bet my nomadic ass I am!!  I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements.  Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus.  I'm taking being a roommate to the next level.  Email me!  I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die.  If you want a next-generation who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up.  I'm ready to give you money.  Cats are OK-purrr  Dogs are OK-wooof.  It's not ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.

I had 18 bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else...I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink of it, and threw the rest down the glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.  Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.  When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.  I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.  I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.  Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.  Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple, and Santa Claus, had an accident.  Only one of them survived the accident.  Question:  Who was the survivor?

Answer:  The perfect woman survived.  She's the only one who really existed in the first place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus; and there is no such thing as a perfect man.  ***Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.***

**Men, keep reading.**  So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving.  This explains why there was a car accident.

More Random One-Liners/Short Jokes

Air Freshener:  Cause there's no louder way to tell everyone in the whole house you just took a shit.

I watched Transformers today.  I've spent 2 hours in my garage telling my car I know his secret...He's shy.

You:  Spell spot
Them:  S P O T
You:  What do you do at a green light?
Them:  99% of the time they will say: Stop

Best response to win a custody battle in court as a male:  Your honor, if I put a quarter in a gum ball machine, is the gum ball mine, or the machines?

I told my girlfriend, "remember, my mother is old, so speak slow and very loud."
Then I told my healthy mom, "by the way, my girlfriend is retarded."  Let the games begin....

Officer:  Did you know your back light is out?
Guy:  Well, no sir. I don't know if you noticed...I'm inside the car.  You had a bit of an advantage.

Scientists have discovered that some fish have pedophile tendencies...Specifically, the ones that swim outside the school.

My daughter was running a temperature, so I rang the doctor.  He asked if she was hot...I said, "well, with a little make-up..."

79% of accidents happen in the home....Finally, some good news for the homeless.

I had a whole bunch of unemployment jokes... But they don't work.

The awkward moment when you're running and your boobs are bouncing everywhere...and you're a boy.

I read something the other day that made me pee myself...It was a sign that said, "Toilets Closed."

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said..."Sorry, my fault."