Jokes & Funny Pics 14

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.  Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."

He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150.  Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400.  Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

 

 

A police officer pulls a guy over and he says, "Is there a problem officer?"

"No, I am just pleased to award you this $5000 for driving safely.  What do you plan to do with the money," asks the officer.

"Well, I guess I'll go and buy that drivers license I need," replies the man.

Martha, sitting in the passenger seat says, "Oh, don't mind him he's a wise guy when he's drunk."

Ryan, sitting in the back adds, "I told you guys we wouldn't get away with a stolen car."

There is a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice says, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.  Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.  Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

 

 

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.  He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.  Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.  As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.  The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk."  The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.  The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.  That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.  The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk."  The man says, "Alright, alright, I'm dying to know.  If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"  The monk reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.  When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task.  Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.  He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task you demanded and have found what you had asked for.  There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.  We shall now show you the way to the sound."  The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound you seek is behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.  He asks, "May I have the key?"  The monk gives him the key, and he opens the door.  Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.  The man requests the key to the stone door.  The monk gives him the key, and he opens it, only to find another door made of ruby.  He demands another key from the monk, who provides it.  Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.  And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.  Finally the monk says, "This is the key to the last door."  The man is relieved to no end.  He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.  It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight...

But, I can't tell you because you're not a monk.

 

Little Old Lady with Two garbage bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no" , said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of tailgate fans come and pee through a hole in the fence and onto my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his "thingie" through the fence,
I grab it and say, '$20 or off it comes'…

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".