Jokes & Funny Pics 12

Wake up in the morning feeling like Charlie Sheen

Gonna diss my boss, get my show cut, I’m gonna hit the scene

Call TMZ, every media outlet out there

I’m sorry I can’t deny I’m a Bitchin’ millionaire

You all know I love my hoes hoes

And my suitcases full of blows blows

But you still watch my shows shows

CBS And Warners can try to cut me

They don’t wanna mess with Charlie

Things are about to get crazy

 

Hey Chuck, you can’t stop

My Winning, I’m on top

Alright, let’s fight

With my fire-breathing sound-bite

Hey Chuck, you still suck

And my winning doesn’t stop, no

(oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh) 2x

You can’t shut me up

You can’t shut me down

I’m an F-18

Always firing

You can’t lock me up

I’m all cured now

All I’m addicted to

Now, is winning

You can’t shut me up

You can’t shut me down

I’m an F-18

Always firing

You can’t lock me up

I’m all cured now

All I’m addicted to

Now, is winning

I’m sorry my life is so damn bitchin’

Hey Chuck, you can’t stop

My Winning, I’m on top

Alright, let’s fight

With my fire-breathing sound-bite

Hey Chuck, you still suck

And my winning doesn’t stop, no

(oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh) 2x

 

  

 How To Install A Home Security Syestem

1.  Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2.  Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.

3.  Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4.  Leave a note on your door that reads:  "Bubba,...Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.  Be back in an hour.  Don't mess with the pit bulls;  they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad.  I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.  Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.  Better wait outside.  Be right back.  Cooter" 

 

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the manager liked the kid so he gave him a job.  "You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.  After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,  "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The manager replies, "Just one?  Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.  How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The manager repeats the amount, "$101,237.64?  What the hell did you sell?"

The kid replies, "First I sold him a small fish hook.  Then I sold him a medium fish hook.  Then I sold him a larger fish hook.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down by the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat.  So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.  He then said he didn't think his Honda Civic would be able to pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The manager said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

 

10 Things Movies Teach You

1.  It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

2.  A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

3.  If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

4.  Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications systems of any invading alien civilization.

5.  It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6.  No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

7.  When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

8.  You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

9.  Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

10.  Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

 

 

Bunch of Short/One Liner Type Jokes

Actual quote from CNN...The new female pilot for American Airlines had to beat off 30 male competitors to get the job...

"Looking at all these stars makes me feel soo small," I thought earlier...while watching porn.

I thought I'd try modern art because it seems pretty easy.  So, I found a used tampon and wiped it all over my desk at work...I called it the Periodic Table.

Bumper Sticker:  Insured by the Mafia, you hit me, we hit you.

I jerked off upside down today...I don't know what came over me.

Just got back from London.  Some Japanese tourists asked me to take their photo.  When I said "wave" they ran like fuck.

Tell all your female friends I can get them 100 tampons for 1 dollar.

...No strings attached

...for a limited period only

...a bloody good deal!!!

So, I been talking to this 13 year old girl online.  She's funny, flirty, and sexy.  She just told me she's an undercover cop.  I mean, how cool is that for someone her age...

The internet:  where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

Some douchebag came up to in a nightclub and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."

I replied, "Hmmm...let's see...20x0= 0."

That shut the fucker up.

I seen a nun in a wheelchair today and all I could think is....Virgin Mobile.

Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've done in front of them...

I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks.  Good way to hide your identity bro.  It's not like people will notice that you're a giant fucking turtle.

Studies say 90% of women don't like men in pink T-shirts.

IRONICALLY, 90% of men in pink T-shirts don't like women.

Duct Tape:  Turning 'No! No! No!' into 'mmm, mmm, mmm,' since 1942.

Whenever I see a mattress strapped on top of a vehicle I always think of a prostitute doing a house call...Ho on the go!

Some Lazy Rules

1.  If you spill something on the floor, you wipe it up with your sock...that you are wearing.

2.  Somehow getting in your car and driving to McDonald's sounds easier than using a stove.

3.  If it's not on the 1st search page on Google, it doesn't exist.

4.  If someone in another room calls your name, sit in silence and hope they don't call again.

5.  Why make your bed when you're just gonna get back in it again.

6.  As soon as I get under the covers, all of today's responsibilities become tomorrow's problem.

7.  If you've only worn that shirt once, it's still clean.

8.  If you drop an ice cube, just kick it under the fridge.

9.  If the food hasn't been made already, I go hungry for the night.

10.  Carry all of the grocery bags at once, so you don't have to make another trip.

11.  If I can pick it up with my toes, why bend over.

12.  If you want a soda, wait til someone goes in the kitchen.

13.  If it doesn't smell spoiled, or have anything growing on it, then it's edible.

14.  If the 'due date' isn't for 2 weeks, then I don't have to think about it until the night before.

15.  If it requires you to look for it, you don't want it anymore.

16.  If duct tape can't fix it, it's unrepairable.