Jokes & Funny Pics 11

Why I Am Now Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up in the morning.  I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!,' and possibly have a small present for me.  As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' 

I thought...Well, that's marriage for you but the kids...they will remember.  My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.  So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!'  It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.  I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me...'  I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.  Let's go!'

We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we would normally go.  He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight to the office, do we?'  I responded, 'I guess not.  What do you have in mind?'  He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.  I'll be right back.'  'Ok,' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes he came out...carrying a huge cake...followed by my husband, kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there...  On the couch...  Naked.

One afternoon a doctor was giving a lecture on healthy eating habits to some old people in a nursing home.  'Most of the material we put into our stomach is terrible,' he explained.  'Candy is awful for you, soda corrodes your stomach lining, chinese food is loaded with MSG, and fast food is high in fat, sugar and cholesterol.  However, there is one type of food that is particularly dangerous, and any one of us has eating it one time or another.  Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75 yr old man raises his hand and says, 'A wedding cake!'

Duct Tape.

Turning 'No!  No!  No!' into 'mmm, mmm, mmm' since 1942.

1 sperm has 37.5 Mb of DNA information in it.  This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587 Gb in 3 seconds...

And you thought 4G was fast.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees a light at the end of a tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train operator sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

 Type of Guys In the Men's Room:

Absent Minded- opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

Chidish- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

Clever- no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

Conceited- holds his two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.

Crosseyed- looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

Desperate- waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

Disgruntled- stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

Drunk- holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

Efficient- waits until he has to crap, then does both.

Fat- backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

Excitable- shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

Frivolous- plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

Indifferent- all urinals being used, pisses in sink.

Little- stands on box, falls in, drowns.

Observer- pisses and observes all the different things happening in the men's bathroom.

Patient- stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

Radical- Ignores urinal.  Pisses on wall.

Sneak- farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

Sociable- joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

Timid- can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

Tough- bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. 

Worried- not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz.  So the agent says, 'Ok kid, show me what you do."

The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.

'Great kid!  Just great!,' says the agent.  'I can do things for ya!  I think I can get you a show on TV.' (This was the early sixties)  'By the way, what's your name?'

The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, 'Penis Van Lesbian.'

'Excuse me?' questions the agent.

'My name is Penis Van Lesbian,' again replies the young man. 

'Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.'

Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name.  So he leaves to find another agent.  A few months later he returns to the same agent. 

'Hey kid!  Good to see you again!' says the agent.  'Are you still looking for work?  Have ya changed your name?'

With his head hanging low, the young man replies, 'Yes.  Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian.  So I've changed it.'

'Great kid, great!  What's your new name?'

'Dick Van Dyke.'

Actual 911 Calls

Dispatcher:  9-1-1, What is your emergency?
Caller:  I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the Brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher:  Do you have an address?
Caller:  No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher:  9-1-1, what is your emergency?
Caller:  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher:  Excuse me?
Caller:  I made a ham and cheese sanchwich and left it on the kitchen table.  And when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher:  Was anything else taken?
Caller:  No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Disptacher:  9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?
Caller:  I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:  This is nine eleven.
Caller:  I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher:  Yes, ma'am.  Nine-one-one and nine eleven are the same thing.
Caller:  Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher:  9-1-1, what's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:  My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher:  Is this her first child?
Caller:  No, you idiot!  This is her husband!

Dispatcher:  9-1-1.
Caller:  Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.  I'm all out of breath.  Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher:  Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:  A pay phone, North and Foster.
Dispatcher:  Sir, an ambulance is on the way.  Are you asthmatic?
Caller:  No.
Dispatcher:  What were you doing before you had trouble breathing?
Caller:  Running from the Police.

Universal Laws

1.  Law of Mechanics:  After your hands become covered with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.  Law of Gravity:  Any tool, nut, bolt, screw- when dropped- will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.  Law of Probability:  The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.  Law of Random Numbers:  If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.  Law of the Alibi:  If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6.  Law of Variation:  If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

 

Below is a video of Mickey Breakin'