Monday, January 3, 2011

Funny New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year Everyone!  Hope you all had a great one.  Time to start this new year and get it poppin'.  Sorry I haven't posted...damn internet was turned off and just got it back on.  lol   So, hopefully I am back to posting and no more interruptions.  Figured I'd do some New Year's Resolutions on here.  These are all funny ones...and I will make my next blog more serious and inspiring resolutions.  I think I'll start with some Simpsons, Family Guy, and American Dad resolutions first.
Homer:  I resolve to lose 10 pounds, and then gain it back by Valentine's Day.

Marge:  I resolve to finally learn how to make pancakes that don't stick to the pan. Bart helped me come up with that one.

Krusty:  In 2007, I promise not to keep using the same old jokes I've been telling since 1961.

Chief Wiggum:  In the coming year, I resolve to learn how to work the safety on my gun.

Comic Book Guy:  In 2007, I resolve to boldly go where I have never gone before...out on a date with a woman.

Barney:  I resolve to quit drinking... coffee. It leaves less room for beer.

Ned Flanders:  I resolve to be pious and kind and gentle and - yippee, skippee - I already am! Happy 2007, everybody!

Homer Simpson:  In 2010, I will finally get around to voting for President.

Marge Simpson:  I’ll try to be more assertive if it’s okay with everyone else.

Bart Simpson:  I plan to raise a family of skunks in Principal Skinner’s car.

Lisa Simpson: I will make the world a colder, greener, jazzier place.

Grandpa Simpson: Let’s just make this the best 1933 we can.
Here are the Griffin Family’s New Year’s resolutions:

Peter Griffin:  To use my intestinal gas in more creative and constructive ways.

Lois Griffin:  To stop thinking about that yoga instructor at my gym.

Brian Griffin:  Cut down on consumption of my own crotch.

Stewie Griffin:  Spend more time admiring Abercrombie & Fitch window displays.

Meg Griffin:  Teach myself how to shave my legs.

Chris Griffin:  I know I’m young, but it’s never too early to start eating more fiber.

Well, perhaps its time to take a leaf out of their book and make some more practical resolutions and better still think of ways to stick to them.
And last, American Dad...

Stan Smith:  To try and understand one Maya Angelou poem.

Francine Smith:  To find out why jerk chicken is called jerk chicken. I hope it’s not why I think.

Hayley Smith:  To date a guy who has at least part ownership in a car.

Steve Smith:  I am hoping to reinstate Pluto as a planet with the ultimate goal of it getting me some action.

Roger Smith:  To buy a Labrador Retriever, raise it, love it and stand naked in front of it to gauge its reaction.

Klaus Smith:  I will touch Ricky Martin somewhere on his head or face.
Funny New Year Resolutions:

1.  Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

2.  I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

3.  I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

4.  I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

5.  I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

6.  I will try to figure out why I "really" need 9 e-mail addresses.

7.  I resolve to work with neglected own.

8.  I will stop sending e-mail, Instant Messages, texts, and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

9.  I will read the manual....just as soon as I can find it.

10.  I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
11.  I will think of a password other than "password," and "hello."

12.  I will not tell the same story at every get together.

13.  I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine...if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!

14.  I will not hang around girls...they think you love them and that sucks.

15.  I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

16.  When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

17.  I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).

18.  I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.

19.  I will remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.

20.  I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
21.  I promise to clean my room once a week even though I haven't cleaned it more than once in the last year.

22.  Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

23.  Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.

24.  Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get them back in the next year!

25.  Drink more. Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.

26.  Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.

27.  Play more computer games. Scientists say they're good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.

28.  Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking - it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.

29.  I will spend less money on buying useless stuff like this new DVD Rewinder I had ordered for Christmas.

30.  I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.
31.  Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

32.  I will drive more carefully, people are starting to notice the dozens of dents in my car.

33.  I will treat my girlfriend better.  I won't make her carry all the groceries the next time we go to the market.

34.  I promise to be nice to my dog. I won't starve him to death more than 10 a month.

35.  I will leave my brain at home while going to watch supposedly scary movies like Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 & 4!

36.  I resolve to hold my breath and pull in my paunch when I cross my young secretary.

37.  I will stop saying, "Ooh, that feels nice" whenever the security guys frisk me at airports.

38.  I resolve to stop poisoning my family with my cooking.

39.  Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.

40.  Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.
41.  Lose weight until Summer is over and then gain all of it back.

42.  Save money .... on hookers.

43.  Find my soul mate .... and five extra partners.

44.  I resolve not to call any phone number of any TV contest as they are always kept off the hook.

45.  I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case."

46.  Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.

47.  Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

48.  My New Year resolution is: 1024 by 968 pixels!

49.  Eat healthier by adding more lettuce on BLTs.

50.  Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.
51.  Procrastinate less by watching all my favorite shows on Tivo before work.

52.  Clean up the clutter IN MY BANK ACCOUNT by going to Vegas.

53.  Keep in touch with old schoolmates that have gained more weight then me.

I promise to stick to these resolutions for more than a week (even though I never do).

Here Are The Resolutions You Would Be Most Tempted to Keep...

    * Spend more time watching TV / movies.
    * Chat more over phone / Internet.
    * Read less.
    * I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
    * Stop exercising. Waste of time.
    * Procrastinate more.
    * Drink. Drink some more.
    * Start being superstitious.
    * Spend more less time at work.
    * Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
    * Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!
Last, here are some other peoples views on resolutions:

Spending more time with family:
Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother," or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece." -- Oscar Reagan

Starting that diet:
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you." -- Katina Fisher

Quitting smoking:
I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool."

As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I'll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?" -- Judi Moore

Eating healthier:
The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it."

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"  -- David Martino

Reducing your debt:
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.” -- R. Horn

Learning new things:
I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter. Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, "For the show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?"

Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, "What's the difference?" -- Kimmie Helk

Better teeth care:
Just because one owns a business doesn't mean it has to be all business. This sign in a dentist's office proves that point: "Be True to Your Teeth, or They Will Be False to You." -- James Wertz

Becoming more organized:
My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest." -- Mary I. Costain

Drinking less
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc." -- Christie Eckels


  1. The southerner ordering wine was a great joke.

  2. lol @ brian griffin

    good read-through, thanks man

  3. Thanks for making me smile :)

  4. i was waiting for calvin and hobbes... haha

  5. lmao that was funny! but next time make a shorter post!
    anyways, cool blog, ill follow!

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