Jokes

Ok...so I've been sick lately...n haven't been in the greatest moods...so I figured I 'd post some jokes today.  Not sure if you've ever read or seen them...but I don't care.  These are just some of the 1000's I have on my computer...and I didn't proof read them, so if there are any mistakes, sorry.  I still enjoy em.  Hope u all have a great day.


The following is an actual question given on a University chemistry final exam.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh God!”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.
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Terrorism Alert: standards of selected international jurisdictions

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."


Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.


Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa"to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath),

New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is canceled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Canadians are holding a public inquiry on the matter, have hired federal teams of bilingual grief counselors and are controlling the situation through pieces of carefully-worded legislation which are currently on hold as the House is not sitting.
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How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!
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Pubic hairs

A husband and his wife decide to rent a room to a young student. When she arrives the wife explains, “We haven't got a bathroom. So when you want a bath you’ll have to use a
tin bath that is next to the fireplace. I suggest you take your bath on Monday evenings, as my husband goes out with his friends that night.”

Next Monday the girl undressing near the fireplace and the wife notes that she hasn't any pubic hair. The following morning the wife tells her husband.

“That student girl’s go no pubic hair!”
“I don’t believe it!” he says.
“It’s true,” says the wife, “Next week I’ll keep leave a gap between the curtains so you can see!”

Next Monday the girl takes her bath and the wife asks, “Do you shaves your pubic hair?”
“Oh, no. I have never had any.” Says the girl. “Do you have hairs there?”
“Sure” says the wife as she lifts her skirt to show her.

The next morning the wife asks her husband, “Did you see?”
“Sure I did. But why did you show her yours?”
“Oh... what’s the problem with that? You’ve seen it hundreds of times!”
“Yea that’s true” says the husband, “but all my goddamn friends HAVEN’T!”
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Texas Town Trumpets and Guns

In a small Texas town a guy opens a store selling trumpets and guns. One day a tourist pays him a visit and says, “ Hey pal this is a strange business!”
“What do you mean strange?” says the storekeeper.
“Only selling trumpets and guns.” Replies the tourist.
“O, I find it works quite well.”
“What do you sell the most of trumpets or guns?” asks the tourist.
“Its about even.” Says the storekeeper. “Each time a customer buys a trumpet usually one of his neighbors buys a gun!”
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Three Morals...

A little bird is flying south for the winter. It’s so cold that the bird freezes and falls to the ground in a large field.
While lying there on the edge of death, a cow walks by and craps on it. Well the dung is so hot that the frozen bird begins to thaw. In fact the bird is so warm and happy it soon
begins to sing for joy! A passing cat hears the bird song and comes to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovers the bird under the cowpat. It promptly digs it out and eats it!

The morals of this story:

1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep doo-doo its best to keep your mouth shut!