Kid says to a pregnant woman at the bus stop, "What are you expecting?"
The girls says, "A bus."
The kid turns to his friend and says, "WOW! This bitch got screwed by a transformer!!!"
Other kid replies, "Yeah, musta been that deceptaDICK!!!"
My new girlfriend is PERFECT! She doesn't moan, unless I ask, asks me what I want to do, and to top it all off the sex is absolutely amazing!
I should have got a prostitute years ago.
So, there I was, trapped in a dark hallway. On both sides were ghosts aiming to kill me. I knew I had to escape. But, I did nothing, and I let the ghosts take my life...Damn, I suck at Pacman.
My wife told me to go to the Dr. to get some pills that will help me get an erection. You should've seen the look on her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.
Apparently, it's still abduction even if the child is homeless.
Domestic violence is a bit of a hit in my house.
I hate when people put empty boxes back in the pantry. I'm all like, "Hell Yeah...Coco Pu...Bitches!"
Fat guy in class: *talking shit
Me: Bitch, at least I don't masturbate to the food channel!
(Teacher leaves room laughing)
Fat guy: That Was Once, Ok. Just Shut Up About It Already!!! *Then he truffle shuffles out of the room.
Dress Code. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days. We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days. Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives and co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category." Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break. Skinny people will get 30 minutes for a lunch break, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself ."
More Short Jokes & One-Liners
My daughter came home in a rage. "I've just had sex education in school today. Dad, you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 18th birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I looked up from my paper and said: Oh, he will, sweetheart...he will!!!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than mine."
I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night.
Especially considering I fucking walked there in the first place.
When you start to hate someone, everything they do begins to annoy you...
Me: OOOOOHHHH MY GOOOODDDDD!!!
"In the arms of an angel..."
*Click turns channel*
Once I get past the restraining orders, the court dates and the stalking charges...I really think this relationship could work.
If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting the bottom out of my car and Flintstoning' that bitch!
Dear Black Construction Paper,
Thank you for giving me a reason to exist.
The White Crayon
Cool story bro. You wanna hear mine? It's a fairytale. Once upon a time, nobody gave a fuck. The end.
Is it just my imagination...or was there a rise in female gamers after vibrating controllers were introduced?
Last year I was kicked out of a costume party for wearing nothing but a red shirt. Apparently no one has heard of Winnie the Pooh!
Friend 1: Hey bro, what's up?
Friend 2: Oh just clearing my web history and washing my hands, hbu?
Throwing lamps at people that need to lighten up. Just wanted to brighten up their day.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I'm always frank with my sexual partners...I don't want them knowing my real name, do I?
When I was young, I remember my dad teaching me how to shave. I got a bit confused though when he said, "Now son, you put one foot on the bath like this."
Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward...Because that's how I roll....
Was in the check out line in Walgreens buying condoms when the cashier asks, "Do you need a bag with that?" I said, "No, she's not that ugly!"
My girl broke up with me and yelled, "Fuck You! I'm sexy, single and ready to mingle."
"More like fat, single and finished the Pringles," I replied.
In Biology class the students were asked to scrape the top of their teeth with toothpicks and examine it under a microscope.
One girl was having trouble examining hers and asked the professor for help. "Those...are sperm cells," replied the professor.
I saw a girl walking down the street that I had sex with years ago. So, I ran up behind her, covered her eyes and whispered, "Guess who...I took your virginity..."
She said, "Dad?"
"Dad?" I replied, staggering back in disgust. "You lost your virginity to your dad?"
She turned around and said, "Oh...it's you. I told you that you were my first because I was ashamed of what happened with my..."
"I don't want to hear it," I interrupted. "Fuck you, and your dad." As I walked off, I turned around and shouted, "Tell him Uncle Tony won't be coming around this Christmas!"