Jokes & Funny Pics 16

 

 

Well, haven't posted jokes in a bit so here are some more...Enjoy.

Shot Jokes/One-Liners Mix

You'll never guess what came in my mail today...
It was the postman, sick bastard.

"Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second.  He had the craziest look in his eyes.  And at one point he said, 'Lets get it on.'" -Stepbrothers

*waves wand* "Petrificus Bonerus!"
Ron: Bloody hell, Hermione, I can do it myself.  Just give me a second.

My wife said my penis closely resembles a Tic Tac.  She was proud of her remark, until I asked her why her sister still had bad breathe then...

Got a package yesterday, and on the front it read, 'Do Not Bend.'
And I thought, well how in the am I gonna pick it up?

Lesbians shouldn't be allowed to have dildos.
They made their decision...

I bumped into a cross-eyed guy the other day and he said, "You need to look where you're going."
I said, "Fuck off!  I need to go where you're looking!!!"

My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents for the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame, because I really like him.

The heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA Finals.

Bitch please, I can remove 90% of your so called "beauty" with a wet nap!!!

According to my wife, putting the wasp's nest inside the kid's pinata wasn't remotely funny.

*Glass breaks* Girlfriend:  I think someone is breaking in!
Me:  I'll take care of this, (grab a toilet brush)
Girlfriend:  A toilet brush?  What are you gonna do, scrub him to death?
Me:  Would you want to be touched with this???

The girls at Hooters may be hot, but when it comes down to it, the ladies at Subway are the real wife material.

 

 

I was standing at the urinals next to a midget, when I noticed him winking at me.  I turned my back a bit but when I looked around he was still winking at me, so I said, "What's your fucking problem, do you fancy me or something?"
He said, "No, you bastard, you're splashing my eyes!"

Whenever you feel powerless, remind yourself...
A single one of your shits can shut down part of a water park.

I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase, just because it'd be frickin' funny to watch a bunch of cops chasing a donut truck.

I don't use my power for good or evil...
Mainly, I use it to watch TV, surf the web, microwave food, and charge my phone.

I love using vaseline during sex...I rub it on the doorknob so she can't escape.

Went on a date recently, and I took here horseback riding.  It was kind of fun, until I ran out of quarters.

Harry Potter Brand Condoms:  Protect wand while you're Slytherin to her Chamber of Secrets.

So, my neighbor was having trouble with her computer the other day, and she called me over to help her.  I came over, clicked a few buttons and solved the problem.  As I was walking away, she called after me and asked, "So what was the problem?"
I replied, "It was and ID ten T error."
Trying not to appear stupid, she said, "an ID ten T error?  What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
I grinned, "Haven't you heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," she replied.
"Write it down," I said, "and you'll figure it out!"
She wrote it down, I D 1 0 T...boy was she pissed.

 

 

The first day of College:

It was the first day of college, so Maria, a perfect 4.0 gpa student, and also still a virgin, decides to go to class half an hour early.  When she walks in she is surprised to see one boy already sitting there.  So she sits down beside him and says, "Hi."

He looks up, nods, and goes back to starring at his books.  Trying to be friendly Maria asks, "Do you like pussycats?"

When hearing this, the boy jumps up and says, "Yes, I do!  Come with me and I'll show you!"  So, taking her by the hand they run back to his dorm room.  He locks the door and starts taking off his clothes.  Realizing what is happening Maria does the same.  They make passionate love for an hour.  When they finish Maria asks, "How did you know that's what I wanted?"

The boy says, "I didn't.  How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

 

A 6 yr old and a 4 yr old are upstairs in their bedroom.  "You know what?," says the 6 yr old.  "I think it's about time we start cussing."  The 4 yr old nods his head in approval.  The 6 yr old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."  The 4 yr old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 yr old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom.  I guess I'll have some Cheerios."  Whack!  He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You Can Stay There Until I Let You Out!"  She comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 yr old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

 

 

 

An award should be given to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney, for being smart and funny, while making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been "withdrawn from service."  A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.  Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight, and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!"

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." 

The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled, grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please.  May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.  "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "FUCK YOU!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir.  But you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

 Prehistoric Meat Yummy

 

For All you Family Guy Lovers:

The joke Quagmire told Chris, the one which got him suspended...Here it is:

A bride-to-be is stressing out over the fact that she's not a virgin, but she's told her future husband she is.  She has no idea what to do and is talking to her friends about it, when one of the friends pipes up and says, "Here's what you do...buy some liver, stick it up there, and everything will be nice and tight and your husband will never know."

So, the bride-to-be follows the advice, and on the wedding night, the newlywed couple has crazy sex all over the place.  On the kitchen counter, on the living room floor, all over the house.  But when she wakes up in the morning, her new husband is gone, and all she finds is a note pinned to the pillow, which reads, "Dearest, I'm sorry, but I've thought things over and I just don't think things will work out between us.  I had a wonderful time, but I'm sorry, I've thought about it, and we just weren't meant to be.  P.S.  Your vagina is in the sink."

 

 Bacon Candles...mmmm