Sunday, July 10, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 15

What A Killer Couple =D

Psychopath Test:  Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.  This is not a trick question.  It is as it reads.  No one I know has gotten it right, (cept me).  Few people do.

A woman, while at a funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know.  She thought this guy was amazing.  She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.  A few days later she killed her sister.

Question:  What is her motive for killing her sister?  Give this some thought before you answer.  See answer at bottom.

Ridiculous Metaphors

1.  Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had it's two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2.  His thoughts tumbled in his head like underpants in a tumble dryer.

3.  She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

4.  Murphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

5.  Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

6.  From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another state, and Jeopardy! comes on at 7 instead of 7:30.

7.  He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.

8.  The hailstones leapt from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

9.  Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left New York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Philadelphia at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

10.  John and Mary had never met.  They were like two hummingbirds that had also never met.

11.  The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

12.  "Oh Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on dollar-pint night.

13.  He was as lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame.  Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

14.  She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it pukes.

15.  The ballerina rose gracefully en point and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

16.  The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

17.  It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

18.  She was as easy as the USA Today crossword.

19.  She grew on him like she was colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature bacon.

20.  It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Chinese Proverbs

1.  Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

2.  Man  who run in front of car get tired.

3.  Man who run behind car get exhausted.

4.  Man with hand in pocket fell cocky all day.

5.  Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

6.  Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

7.  Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

8.  Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

9.  Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

10.  Panties not best thing on earth!  But, next to best thing on earth.

11.  Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

12.  Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

13.  It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

14.  Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

15.  Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
A man has 3 daughters, ages 11, 8 and 6.  He decides to see what each of them know about sex.  He goes to the 11 year old and drops his pants.  "What is this," he asks.

"A penis," she says.

"What is it used for," he asked.

"Fucking," she replies.

He slaps her and says, "You're too young to know about that, you should be ashamed."  He then goes to the 8 year old and drops his pants.  "What's this?"

She states, "A penis."

"What's it for?"

"Fucking," she says.

He slaps her saying, "you're too young to know about that, you should be ashamed."  Finally he goes to the 6 year old and drops his pants again.  "What is this?"

"A penis," she replies.

"What is it used for?"

She says, "playing."

He is a little taken back. "Playing?"

She states, "Yes, playing.  It's too small for fucking!"
Two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about 30 feet across, but soo deep that when they drop a small rock in it, they hear no sound.  They drop a bigger rock in it, and still no sound.  So they go looking for something bigger, and they find a railroad tie.  They haul it over the hole, heave it in, and it disappears without a sound.  Suddenly, a goat comes running up at about 60 mph and leaps head first into the hole.  There is still no sound.  The men give up on the hole and continue hunting.

About an hour later, a farmer appears from the woods and says, "Hey!  You fellas seen my goat around here?  He's my only friend and I don't know what I'd do without him."

The hunters respond, "Well, we saw a goat run by real fast and jump into this huge hole about an hour ago."

"Naw," says the farmer, "that wasn't my goat.  My goat was tied up to a railroad tie."
"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," my wife snapped as she walked out the door.
"Please don't go babe," I pleaded.  "Think about our son."
"What son?" she said.
"You're not pregnant?" I responded.
Random Short Jokes

I just realized all books are just different combinations of the same 26 letters.  What a bunch of bullshit!

Remove all the vowels from female and you get, "FML!"

I'm sorry but I can't come.  My uncle's cousin's neighbor's son's best friend's aunt's insurance agent's pet rock died today.  So tragic.

At the airport, security demanded I take off my pants and jacket.  I thought he said jack it!

Keeping my six pack warm with a layer of fat.

I think if I died and went straight to hell, it'd take me a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

Lost Boys and Blade made me think Vampires were cool.
Underworld made me think Werewolves were cool.
Twilight made me think that they both are gay.

The local orphanage asked for a donation.  So, I sent them my kids.

"Hey dad.  How do you feel about abortion?"
"Idk, son.  Why don't you ask your sister?"
"But dad, I don't have a sis..." o_O

Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that."
Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me."

Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"  Until I get kicked out for screwing around.

I saw a drunk dude that claimed he was George Washington.
I asked him for 2 forms of I.D.  He pulled out a dollar and a quarter.
Bastard, he wins.

Text Gone Wrong
Son:  Mom, I shook my cock and it exploded all over my bed.
Mom:  Well, why are you masturbating.
Son:  What?  Damn spell check.  I meant coke.

Son:  Hey mom.
Mom:  Hi honey 8==D
Mom:  It's not a penis, it's an alien smiley face :P
Son:  Where did you get that from!?!?
Mom:  It was in some of your brothers texts between him and his girlfriend.  Wait does that mean 8==D~{[]) isn't an alien getting beamed onto his spaceship?
Son:  No it's not.

Just seen my neighbor sunbathing topless in the garden.  I've never seen tits that big in all my life.  He really needs to go on a damn diet.

Spongebob is absorbent.  He lives in the bottom of a bikini.  And his boss is Mr. Krabs.  Conclusion, Spongebob is a tampon.
I met this girl in a night club last night and, as she was leading me away, she said, " I have something to show you, my underwear matches my socks."
She wasn't wearing any socks.  Stupid Bitch!

I'm not having much luck with jobs lately:  I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory;  wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as a barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
Sexually Suggestive Lines from the Star Wars Trilogy
1.  Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!

2.  Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?

3.  Put that thing away before you get us all killed.

4.  You've got something jammed in here real good.

5.  Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

6.  You came in that thing?  You're braver than I thought.

7.  Sorry about the mess...

8.  Look at the size of that thing!

9.  She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.

10.  I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.

11.  Size matters not.  Judge me by my size, do you?

12.  There's an awful lot of moisture in here.

13.  But now we must eat.  Come, good food, come...

14.  That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.

15.  Hurry up, golden-rod...

16.  I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?

17.  Possible he came in through the south entrance.

18.  And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!

19.  Hey, point that thing someplace else.

20.  In time you will call me master.

21.  I never knew I had it in me.

22.  There's good in him, I've felt it.

23.  Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after I owe you one.

24.  Back door, huh?  Good idea!

25.  She's gonna blow!

26.  I think you'll fit in nicely.

27.  Rise, my friend.

28.  Wedge!  Pull out!

29.  You're not doing any good back there!

Answer:  She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.  If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.  This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer.  Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.  If you didn't, good for you...(Guess I think like a killer, damn...lmao)
 This pic is an original From my Daughter haha Spose to be a witch on a broom

1 comment:

  1. Haha wow so much posted here. I read through most of it. Funny stuff!