Saturday, April 2, 2011

Jokes & Funny Pics 9

Alright, these are a bit long, but pretty funny.  Well, enjoy.
True Story Mate Match Game

Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this on the radio.  Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.  The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.  The game is called "Mate Match."  The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.  If the contestant answers "yes," he/she is then asked 3 random, yet highly personal questions.  They also ask for the partners name and number and call them and ask the same 3 questions.  If they both answer the questions correctly, they both win a prize.

A few months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter.  Here's how it all went down:

DJ: Hey!  This is Ed on FOX-FM.  Have you ever heard of "Mate Match?"

Contestant:  (laughing) Yes, I have.

DJ:  Great!  Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.  What is your name?

Contestant:  Brian.

DJ:  Brian, are you married or what?

Contestant:  (laughing nervously)  Yes, I am married.

DJ:  Thank you.  Now, what is your wife's name?  First only please.

Brian:  Sarah.

DJ:  Is Sarah at work, Brian?

Brian:  She is gonna kill me.

DJ:  Stay with me here, Brian!  Is she at work?

Brian:  (laughing) Yes, she's at work.

DJ:  Okay, first question:  When was the last time you had sex?

Brian:  About 8 o'clock this morning.

DJ:  Atta boy, Brian.

Brian:  (laughing sheepishly)  Well...

DJ:  Question #2:  How long did it last?

Brian:  About 10 minutes.

DJ:  Wow!  You really want that trip, huh?  On one would have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.

Brian:  Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ:  Okay, final question.  Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian:  (laughing hard)  I, ummm, I, well...

DJ:  This sounds good, Brian.  Where was it at?

Brian:  Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks.

DJ:  Uh huh...

Brian:  ...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.

DJ:  Atta boy, Brian.

Brian:  On the kitchen table.

DJ:  Not that great??  That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.  Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.  You listen to this.

(3 minutes of commercials)

DJ:  Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?  (touch tones...ringing...)

Clerk:  Kinkos.

DJ:  Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?

Clerk:  This is she.

DJ:  Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM.  We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple hours now.

Sarah:  (laughing)  A couple of hours?

DJ:  Well, a while now.  He is on the line with us.  Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. you know the rules of "Mate Match?"

Sarah:  No.

DJ:  Good!

Brian & Sarah:  (laughing)

Sarah:  Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian:  (laughing)  Just answer his questions honestly, okay?  Be completely honest.

DJ:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Sure.  Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.  If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah:  (laughing)  Yes.

DJ:  Alright, when did you last have sex, Sarah?

Sarah:  Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ:  What time?

Sarah:  Around 8 this morning.

DJ:  Very good.  Next question.  How long did it last?

Sarah:  12, 15 minutes maybe.

DJ:  Hmmmmm.  That's close enough.  I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood.  We've got one last question, Sarah.  You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast.  Are you ready?

Sarah:  (laughing)  Yes.

DJ:  Where did you have it?

Sarah:  OH MY GOD, BRIAN!!! You didn't tell them that did you?

Brian:  Just tell him, honey.

DJ:  What is bothering you so much, Sarah?

Sarah:  Well...

DJ:  Come on Sarah...where did you have it?

Sarah:  Up the ass...

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."  And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!


Here is another true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.  This was a huge wedding with about 300 quests.  After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.  He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming, and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.  To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.  So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party.  He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride.  He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Screw You!"  He turned to the bride and said, "Screw you," then turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."  He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.  His revenge?  Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all their friends, and their entire families.

This guy has the balls the size of church bells.  This is his world;  we just live in it.

Irony:  Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.

1.  Denial
2.  Anger
3.  Bargaining
4.  Depression
5.  Acceptance.....the 5 stages of buying gas.

Beat up a guy in a wheelchair today.  He said, "I'll get you when I go to heaven & get my legs back!"

I laughed.  Then said, "Good luck.  It's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!"
Man Of The House

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.  You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.  After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.  Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.  You will wash my back and towel dry me and bring me my robe.  Then, you will massage my feet and hands.  Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."
Some Condom Slogans

1.  Cover your stump before you hump.
2.  You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.
3.  Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4.  Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
5.  If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
6.  If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
7.  She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
8.  While undressing Venus, dress your penis.
9.  When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.
10.  Don't be a fool, cover your tool.
11.  Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker.
12.  The right selection, is to protect your erection.
13.  Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil.
14.  If you really love her, wear a cover.
15.  Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
16.  Sex is cleaner, with a packaged wiener.
17.  If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
18.  No glove, no love.
19.  If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye.
20.  Even if she's eager, protect her beaver.
21.  Cape your throbber, before you bob her.
22.  She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle.
23.  Shelter your jerky, then nab that turkey.
24.  Cage your snake, then shake and bake.
25.  Cover your peter, it will be much neater.
26.  Wrap that tool to catch the drool.
27.  Glove your pecker before you check her.
28.  Wrap your bate before you mate.
29.  Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard.
30.  Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle.
31.  Hide ole harry then take her cherry.
32.  Wrap that rod, then please her bod.
33.  Sheath that knife if she ain't your wife.
34.  Cover your dick, then give her that prick.
Science Fair Project Idea

In your project, urge people to sign a petition demanding strict control, or total elimination, of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."  And for plenty of good reasons since:
1.  It can cause excessive seating and vomiting
2.  It is a major component in acid rain
3.  It can cause sever burns in its gaseous state
4.  Accidental inhalation can kill you
5.  It contributes to erosion
6.  It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7.  It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

Ask 50 people if they would support a ban on the chemical.  Let's see how many people know that the chemical is really just water.

Title:  How Gullible Are We?
*This one is an older one for me, not sure about any of you, but it's still great.*

The Following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.  The answer by one student was so "profound"  that the professor shared it with his colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

*Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it's compressed), or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities:

1.  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.  If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true.  Thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven.  Thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last nigh, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."



  1. Hehe, up the a** that was funny !

  2. Thumbs up for the random assortment of lulz!

  3. pretty funny..awesome.But finding alpha and omega of your post was an real adventure

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