Jokes & Funny Pics 2

Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing in the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'Gilligan's Island', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Understanding a Woman

We need REALLY MEANS: I want

You want REALLY MEANS: You need

It's your decision REALLY MEANS: The correct decision should be obvious by now.

We need to talk REALLY MEANS: I need to complain

Do what you want REALLY MEANS: You'll pay for this later.

You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS: I don't want you to.

I'm not upset REALLY MEANS: Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS: Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS: I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS: I'm Embarrassed

This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS: I want a new house.

You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS: Just agree with me.

Yes REALLY MEANS: No

No REALLY MEANS: No

Maybe REALLY MEANS: No

I heard a noise REALLY MEANS: I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? REALLY MEANS: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS: I did something you're not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS: Be patient I'll be a while.

Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS: Tell me I'm beautiful.

I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS: You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS: It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS: Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS: Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook or credit card?

Rules For Women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Because I'm a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

20 Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate:

1.  Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2.  Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3.  Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4.  Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5.  Drop a marble and say, "Oh Shit!  My glass eye!"

6.  Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7.  Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.  Sigh relaxingly.

8.  Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9.  Say, "Humus.  Reminds me of humus."

10.  Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa!  Easy Boy!"

11.  Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."

12.  Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor.  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13.  Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!  Don't fall asleep on me."

14.  Fill a balloon with creamed corn.  Rush to the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.  Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15.  Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16.  Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now what am I gonna do?"

17.  Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18.  Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19.  Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20.  Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."