Christmas Jokes

Hey Everyone...

  Sorry, haven't been able to post lately and check many of your posts.  Kids are off for the holidays and family get togethers.  So, I'll try and get caught up after Christmas.  I hope you all are enjoying your holidays.  Figured I'd post a few Christmas jokes for you all.  Hope you enjoy...and have a great Christmas Holiday weekend, or whatever else you may celebrate.

Top 10 "Politically Correct" Christmas Carols

1.  O' Holiday Tree
2.  Have Yourself A Merry Little Day of Winter
3.  Frosty the Snowperson
4.  Chestnuts Roasting on a Safely Contained, Continuously Monitored, Eco-friendly, Non-toxic Outdoor Fire (for which I do have a permit)
5.  Higher Power Rest Ye Merry Gentle People
6.  Grandma Allegedly Got Run Over By An Unidentified Non-Human Perpetrator
7.  Deck the Halls With Boughs of Un-endangered Foliage (if office policy permits)
8.  Hark!  The Herald Mythical Winged Creature Sings
9.  I Saw Mommy Greeting Santa Claus With A Purely Platonic Expression of Inoffensive Affection
10.  I'll Be Home For A Short Time in December
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T'was the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Everyone felt shitty
Even the mouse
Dad at the whore house,
Mom smokin' grass
and I settled down
For a nice piece of ass.
Then out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece
To see what was the matter.
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell,
I knew right away
That fat fucker fell.
He filled all the stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my brother the queer!
He rose up the chimney
With one hell of a fart,
That son of a bitch
Blew my chimney apart!
He swore and he cursed
As he flew out of sight,
'Piss on you all
And have one hell of a night!'
Money is short, Times are hard
Here's your fucking Christmas card!!
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I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas tree.  The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick bastard.  I'll be putting it up in my living room."
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Dashing through the sand with a bomb strapped to my back
I have a nasty plan for Christmas in Iraq
I got through Checkpoint A, but not through Checkpoint B
That's when I got shot in the ass by the US military
Oh, Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, mine blew up you see
Where are all the virgins that Bin Laden promised me
Oh, Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, the US shot me dead
The only thing I have left is this towel upon my head
I use to be a man, but every time that I cough
Thanks to Uncle Sam, my nuts keep falling off
My bombing days are done, I need to find some work
Perhaps it would be much safer as a convenient store night clerk
Oh, Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, I think I got screwed
Don't laugh at me because I'm dead or I kill you!
Love Achmed
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I made myself a snowman, as perfect as can be
I thought I'd keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me,
I made it some pajamas,
And a pillow for it's head,
Last night the bastard vanished,
and Fuckin' pissed in my bed.
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Today I realized my penis is a lot like Santa Claus.  It is in charge of hundreds of little workers, it carries a big sack, it has a beard, but most importantly, my wife only wishes for it to come once a year.  Merry Christmas.
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It's 11:00 pm, Christmas eve, and this man didn't get his wife a gift.  He went to the town square, and saw that the only store open was a pet store, so he went inside.  The only pet that they had was a parrot.  He went to the clerk and asked how much it was, and the clerk said, "$1000 dollars, but before you go off your rocker, I must tell you that it is a special parrot.  If you stick a lighter between its legs, it sings a Christmas carol."

So the man buys the parrot, and on the walk home, he sees his son.  He shows his son the parrot, and tells him about its caroling.  He stuck a lighter between its legs, and the parrot sung, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way."

The morning of Christmas, the man's wife opened her gift, and she saw the parrot and was completely shocked.  The man said, "wait, that's not all.  He sings Christmas carols too."  So he shoved the lighter between the poor bird's legs, and it sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."
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One day a little boy sent Santa a letter saying, "Santa, I want a sister."

So, Santa sent the little boy a letter back saying, "Ok, send me your mom."
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On the first day of textmas, my best friend sent to me a LOL at me

On the 2nd day of textmas, my brother sent to me two Ttyls and an LOL at me

On the 3rd day of textmas, my mommy sent to me 3 loving <3s, two Ttyls, and an LOL at me

On the 4th day of textmas, my emo sent to me 4 FMLs, 3 loving <3s, 2 Ttyls, and an LOL at me

On the 5th day of textmas, my daddy sent me 5 I <3 u's, 4 Fmls, 3 loving <3s, 2 Ttyls, and an LOL at me

On the 6th day of textmas, my whore sent to me 6 sexts, 5 I <3 u's, 4 Fmls, 3 loving <3s, 2 Ttyls, and an LOL at me

On the 7th day of textmas, my teacher sent to me 7 do your homeworks, 6 sexts, 5 I <3 u's, 4 Fmls, 3 loving <3s, 2 Ttyls, and an LOL at me

On the 8th day of textmas, my nerd sent 8 test cheat sheets, 7 do your homeworks, 6 sexts, 5 I <3 u's, 4 Fmls, 3 loving <3s, 2 Ttyls, and an LOL at me

On the 9th day of textmas, my girlfriend sent to me 9 pics of panties, 8 test cheat sheets, 7 do your homeworks, 6 sexts, 5 I <3 u's, 4 Fmls, 3 loving <3s, 2 Ttyls, and an LOL at me

On the 10th day of textmas, my football coach sent to me 10 football game plans, 9 pics of panties, 8 test cheat sheets, 7 do your homeworks, 6 sexts, 5 I <3 u's, 4 Fmls, 3 loving <3s, 2 Ttyls, and an LOL at me

On the 11th day of textmas, my gay friend sent to me 11 pics of dicks, 9 pics of panties, 8 test cheat sheets, 7 do your homeworks, 6 sexts, 5 I <3 u's, 4 Fmls, 3 loving <3s, 2 Ttyls, and an LOL at me

On the 12th day of textmas, my drunk friend sent to me 12 texts of vomit, 11 pics of dicks, 9 pics of panties, 8 test cheat sheets, 7 do your homeworks, 6 sexts, 5 I <3 u's, 4 Fmls, 3 loving <3s, 2 Ttyls, and an LOL at me
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Is There A Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990)- I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1.  No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT, ,there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2.  There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.  But, since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the children who believe in different gods, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total- 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.  One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3.  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).  This works out 822.6 visits per second.  This is to say that for each god-believing household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.  This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4.  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull 10x the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9.  We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload- not even counting the weight of the sleigh- to 353,430 tons.  Again, for comparison- this is 4x the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5.  353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance- this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 Quintillion joules of energy per second.  Each.  In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06x greater than gravity.  A 250 lbs. Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lbs of force.  In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.  Merry Christmas.
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Politically Correct Santa

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."